It was a typical day in the bathtub when Sidney took a stroll to see his old friend Denny the whoops a daisies dental floss….

This was a common occurrence between the two of them as neither of them had developed a keen understanding of anything in particular…. This was painfully apparent to all who knew them…. Penny the plunger for example has numerously been at the forefront of their stupidity…. Constantly making up all sorts of hair brained schemes involving mass amounts of alcohol, popping sounds coming from their buttocks and strange nondescript “blabbering” from their mouths….

As Sidney arrived at the back of Denny’s house…. He knocked the door and walked on in….

There was quite a unusual sensation as he walked through the door….. it was almost as if there was something far from right about this place… he walked into the living room, there was putrid bile and furniture laying all over the place as if the room was struck by a thunderous 2year old filled with e numbers and the spirit of that bird from the exorcist….

Sidney turned and looked towards the window….

“Oh my word…. What on earth…?” he said shaking, looking down at the floor…. Denny must have had an accident….

There he was lying on the floor-covered head to toe in…. well stuff… cushions and the like…. Ohhhh and those little jelly things that you peel the plastic stuff off the back that taste like sheer shit

“Buuuuggghhh….” Said Denny

“oh lordy…. I think I had jus a little to much to drink last night….” Moaned Denny, slurping his words together between the impending gases

“I went out to Fellies last night…. And cant remember a friggin thing…” gargled Denny trying to put himself in a upright position

“Ahhh yeah…. Denny I know that…. I was there too…. And trust me you don’t wanna remember anything…” said Sidney

“yep… I was there alrite… how’s your head by the way? Asked Sidney with apparent concern….

“my head hurts a little but I think im ok…” said Denny finally finding his feet where of absolutely no use to him as he slumped down to the ground

“you were doing plenty of that last night my boy…” said Sidney smugly stopping short of throwing his head back and laughing like a cavalier

“wot….” Said Denny…. Looking more worried now than ill

“yes…. You were all over the place laddy… neckin your drinks, dancing on tables, fighting with your shadow all within the first 2 minutes of bein there” said Sidney starting to snigger uncontrollably….

“Ooooi…. “ boomed a voice the two of them learned to fear a long time ago…. It was PENNY…. AND SHE LOOKED PISSED

“you two have kept me up all friggin night….” Bellowed penny, spitting through her teeth as she finished the sentence

“holy crap… calm down…!” pleaded Sidney as she began to draw closer and closer….

“Sweetie….!” Begged Denny “sweetie… im sorry…. We jus had a little to much to drink, an were getting a little noisy…. Please calm down…” said Denny who had spent the last ten minutes trying to stand was now beginning to grovel

many may wonder why the two are so afraid of the one… This is simple to understand. Penny had taken part in many ruckus, and had in fact had all the experience and potential of being a “grade A nutter”

“the pair of ye…. Come ere….!” She said

“Noooooooo Please Noooooooo.” Cried Sidney and Denny, fighting back the tears and the future boxer ruining skidmarks

and with that she caught them….


Everything seemed to stop, there was no light nor dark… no up nor down… no east nor westlife everything was just…. Nothingness….

Sidney looked around with his blurring eyes squinting….

There was literally nothing around for as far as he could see…denny was slumped in a pile looking rather content…. But Sidney started pacing as he began to panic…

It was the first Friday night of the month, and Sidney could hear music playing in the distance… this was a bad bad bad sign… because every time he heard music something bad always happened…

Usually this was a harrowing time for such a small sponge, wet stuff would fall from the heavens with great force and almost every time he was grabbed by a huge beast, squashed and pummelled…

He did’nt care for it much, like the new pot noodle ad it was rather painful to the senses…..

The music had gotten louder….

“Awwwwwwagggh for f^&k sake…” yelled Sidney, “every Friday nite…! Same time an everything……… wots this all about?”

“IT’S A TIME FOR CLEANSING” gravelled a voice from behind him

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggh…… who the hell are you…?” yelped Sidney staring up at the large figure… wiping his behind as not to arouse suspicions of the stranger

“YOU’VE JUST SOILED YOURSELF HAVENT YOU?” said the stranger looking a shit load {ha haa…} paler than he had done a few seconds ago

“Ammmm….. a little yeah…..” said Sidney trying to walk minus the squelching

“NO MATTER….. I BRING YOU…….Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
 eeggghhh….!” said the stranger finally overcome by the whiff while spraying what looked like semolina and burnt half digested fray bentos “steak” an kidney {yeah they can give ye kidney… but the steak?} pie in an arc like manner over the floor and himself

“Jeeeeeeeez… are you ok?” asked Sidney hurrying over to help the stranger

“GET TE F… YA DEGENERATE SCUMBAG…. GO ON…! STAND OVER THERE OR SOMETHIN YA BAA…Hummmm….Bleeeeeeeeeeeggggghhhh
 hhhh…. GET AWAY… HUMMMMMMM FROM MEeeeeeeeeegggggggghhh….” Stated the stranger who was now on his knee’s making a whiney but guttural gurgling sound with wot appeared to be a paint sprayer in place of his mouth….

This left Sidney taken aback slightly… this guy showed no signs of stopping, really putting his back into it as if it where an Olympick event…

{yeah I know its not spelt right… copyright infringement is not something I wanna lose my bobby dazzlers over…. THAT’S HOT…! Ha haa wot a freakin spiffer…}

as Sidney watched the stranger go for his hat trick of hat tricks, he noticed something rather odd about the person whom he has personally made half the man he used to be within several seconds of meeting him… which is almost a record for Sidney if u don’t take into consideration the gentle but wrongly outspoken bar of soap who made him slip and fall face first into a pool of crotch de la crème in the pupe last weekend…. Git….! He wont be playin with those things in bed by himself anytime soon … Sidney saw to that….. tennis balls are like gold dust in the tub


the stranger was quite unattractive, had various hair struck to him and smelt of…. Well he didn’t know what of…. Its was rather strange like a …. Musty…. Old socks… cabbage mixed with linford Christies jock strap but not overly Aaaghhh…

he was wearing a long dark coat with a sparkle type design on the back of a welly boot… but strangest of all…..

he was a sponge……

“OOOOOH MY LIFE….. PHEW……..! THOUGHT I WAS BUSH TUCKERED THERE…” said the stranger

“AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE YOUR ARSE BECAME AN INCIDENT…”

“sorry…” said Sidney indulging in his favourite past time… interrupting

“WATCH IT….. I BRING YOU NEWS OF THE STRANGE EVENTS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE HERE TODAY…. AND OFFER YOU FAIR WARNING…. THAT BEFORE THIS DAY SHALL PASS YOU, SIDNEY… WILL BE SUBJECTED TO FOUL TORMENT AND DISPEAR…” said the stranger looking down at Sidney rubbin himself in a orderly fashion pretending to be a spanish waiter and not to be concerned…

“wot…? Are bros planning a comeback?” smirked Sidney

“NO….”

“bronsky beat?”

“NOOOOOOO….”

“Ooooh… Are Partners in Crime re-releasing T.U.R.T.L.E

"thank god shes gone" thought sidney as he lay back in his bed...
"bitch.... keepin me awake til.............Aw for F@*& sake... its the b%^$£"* morning..." he said with distain...

"may as well get up now..."

it was a beautiful day in the bath tub, and Sidney The Wonder Sponge was out and about for a little fresh air...with the sun shining he said to himself

"Ah... wot a great day.... almost perfect infact, just the sort of day for a nice relaxing bike ride... i wonder if my dear friend Denny The Whopps a Daisies DentalFloss would care to join me?"

Denny was a very old friend of sidney's, even tho neither could really hold together a conversation it didnt stop them talking the biggest load of balls u'll ever hear in sometimes the most unusual langauge... "Blaaaaaaaaaa yaaaaaaaaaaa f........hinnnnnnnnnnnn olllllll...... Wat...? for example, only more slurred and mixed with flatulence

So off sidney went to Denny’s house... it was far, far at the other end of the tub, at least 150cm. along the way sidney bumped into yet another old friend, Penny the plunger... she to was goin to see Denny...

sidney had for sometime suspected that denny and penny were an item... especially the day he meet them in the pube, and denny appeared to be leaking

but anyway, after a while they GOT TO THE POINT...{nearly} were they could she dennys house..

but some thing was wrong.......

about 10cms away from his house, lay his bycycle with a long trail of spattered bubble bath leading towards the house...

"Awww wots that prat done now" said penny with a certain ammount of conviction

"god only knows" said sidney fallowing the increasingly "holy crap he must be dead" trail of bubble bath, before looking up in astonishment as he tryed to understand wot was happening

"ooooooh my word....... how in the name of......"

"AAAAAAAAAAgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF..............
 ...in heck...." screamed denny... laid in a pool of his own spring fresh with a hint of mountain mint fluid…

"wot happened?" sidney and penny said in unison... because harmonies were not there strong point

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh jus shut up and help me..." snarled denny

"alrite cheeseface keep ur freakin wig on..." replyed penny

"wot happened?" said sidney again.... before being interupted yet again by a......

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggg
 ggggggggggggggghhhh"

"I.....I....I.................F...
 .....F..F...ell....oooo....ooo...f
 fff mmmmmmmmmmy bike" said denny….. who was beginning to resemble the illegitimate offspring of a certain ex-presidents trousers and a melted caramac

"wot the boyzone..." said penny "was that f'in morse code? spoke proper england or i'll westlife ya... ya rick astley"

"i fell off my bike pretending to be a biker mouse" said denny a little more calmly this time, due to the fact you cant come up with a quirky put down when u hav'nt a clue wots jus been said to you... "i hit my head off the handlebars while i was lookin at my feet... i was only goin in a straight line... but toffle toothpaste and begg the bathmat were coming up behind me and put me.... well..... off..."

"b...b...ut..." started sidney... "ahhhhhhhhh....... criss feckin cross....! not u an all?" said penny with all the sweetness of fired ABBA tribute band

"Ssssssssssssssssssssorry..." said sidney... "but you managed to get to the conservatory? i've been in ur house before and ur telephone is just through the next door there" pointing at the decorative door with a smeared print headin south ward

"ah......" said denny... "i've locked myself in..." he said in a muffled manner

"what.......?" sidney and penny said looking confused

"yeah, i came in to fix myself up but i forgot the locks on these doors are dodgey and when i came out the inner door slammed behind me.... and the outer in front of me... i've been here for 3 days...."

"prick" said penny

"hey now steady on hes hurt and...." said sidney

"SHUT IT..