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best character?

best episode?

best quote?

worst actor?

worst episode?

Fairground - "Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats."

Father Dougal: Ready Ted? Let's do it!
Father Ted: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun.
[some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: Just play the f - king note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Father Ted: The way I feel now I could convert gays!

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?

Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.

John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?

Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.

Mary: You and Father Ted?

Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.

John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant
Thornton left them here when he retired.

Dougal: Retired from what?

John: From the police.

Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?

John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?

Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.

John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.

Dougal: Great, bye now.

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

Father Ted: That's right, Dougal. You see, ordinary shops sell what look like black socks, but if you look closely, you'll see that they're very, very, very, very, very, very, very dark blue.
Father Dougal: That's true. I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, ve... continued

who is best???????
(1)fr.ted
(2)fr.jack
(3)fr.stone
(4)Fr. Noel Furlong
(5)Fr. Dick Byrne
(6)Bishop Len Brennan
(7)fr.dougal
( fr.damo

leave comments to vote!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111