I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so i thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in, It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell. I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says, God, she sounded sexy, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come up to my room and give me one, No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what i reall want is sex. I want it hard. I want it hot, and I want it now, I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bags of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night : Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, Anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9"

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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady of about 8 months pregnant got on a bus

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her

She immediately moved to another seat

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again

The man seemed more amused

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and i grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I! had to smile

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could of prevented this Accident," I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


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GENUINE EXTRACTS FROM THE FILES OF FINGAL COUNTY COUNCIL HOUSING DEPT . . .

"My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it"

"He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore"

"It's a dog's mess that I find it hard to swallow"

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burned my knob off"

"Their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence"

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was a bad wind the other night that blew them off"

"My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do i stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink"

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant"

"I request permission to remove my drawers in my kitchen"

"50% of my walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain flithy"

"The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared"

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces"

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me"

"The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous"

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone around to do something about it"

"I am single woman

A man checked into a hotel in Austrailia. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.


Meanwhile . . . somewhere in houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funereal. the widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.


After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which Read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know your suprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!


Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

P.S. It is damn hot down here!

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. when she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. the checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear "price check for tampax supersize" but it got worse. someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word tampax for "tampax" for "thumbtacks" and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system "do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"




WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her mum "Mum, can i take the dog for a walk?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, can I take Fluffy for a walk? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said "Bring Fluffy over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go once around the estate."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Suprised, Dad asked, "where's Fluffy?"

The little girl said, "she ran out of petrol about halfway around the estate, so another dog is pushing her home"