Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.


Oh and...
Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Kiwis die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Kiwis have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Kiwis had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.....

In 2000 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet