Dolores Lesion

There's a bruised & broken sky. It's pressed up against us
But odds are there's a heaven burning down below.
The words rise from the north and float there on the wind
Like a soft & subtle whisper
Immortal like a wondrous feeling, so profound...

Leaving the cathedral, angels open the gates.
Reminders for the congregation like judgement day
Attend the keeping of all our glory
The scars cut so deep.
Peering through our souls we've lost our way home...
Stripped of our dignity

Promises mean everything
In a world so cold. Never to be redeemed
Will you suffer?

her lachrymal squander in the distance
For lusts that she waits for so scorn
An image so pale & so pure, yet so beautiful
Her face is plastered on the walls
and it seems so indelible
So unfathomable that we're both lost here

To commence the call & endure the struggle
What a stronghold to face
A command to fall, a condemned prayer
Have you fallen from grace?

Promises mean everything
In a world so cold. Never to be redeemed
Will you suffer?

Redeemer

**********************************
 *

Follow Through

Every time you walk away, every single word you say
It just lingers there in front of me
Every time I hear your voice, it's though I haven't got a choice
...and it's so hard to believe in anything

Run forever, run away in spite of all the pain
I doubt myself and I've given up
On almost everything

Cry out for more when you want to close the door
Waste away. Follow through I hear you say

Every time you confront me, I'm the one who feels nothing.
...and I hate myself for what I have become
You gave me a second chance, but I threw it all away
...and everything means nothing to me now

Run forever, run away in spite of all the pain
Feed the failure, ever after
Tied to everything

Would you reach out for me?
It's just an empty space
Am I the one to blame?
Living for your sake
The moon it pulls the tides
And the day breaks down
Within the starlit sky leave it all behind

Ellie lay on her bed scrunched up into the foetal position; her long curly brown hair lay across her face hiding her from the world like a velvet curtain. The sheer volume of her CD player drowned all sound from the outside world out. If she couldn't live in a world where things were right, she wouldn't live it in at all. She'd simply stay up in her room, surrounded by her music until she faded away into the background, faded into nothingness. She always wondered how that would work, could she really die like that? Could she really sit there and will herself to die, would the repeated thought of it be enough to convince her body to stop working?

Her mother walked in and calmly went over to the desk pausing Ellie's music. Not even bothering to comment on the eardrum splitting volume of the sound.

"There's someone on the phone for you," she said in a voice almost devoid of all emotion, clearly this was something she'd seen from Ellie regularly and it was obvious she was growing tired of it. Ellie didn't move from where she lay, she only held her arm out to be handed the phone, for a second she said nothing and her mother taking the hint left the room closing the door behind her.

"Hello?" said Ellie softly.

"Hey, its Emma, said the voice on the other end. "Are you coming out tonight?"

"No, I think I'd rather stay home tonight," replied Ellie in a voice that seemed almost silenced by tears.

"But it'll be fun, besides David'll be there. It'll do you good to get out of the house. Just come out this one time, and have a bit of fun. Please," begged Emma.

"I don't want to, I'm sick of having to pretend to be something I'm not," said Ellie sounding almost as devoid of emotion as her mother.

Ellie hung up the phone and placed it beside her. She uncurled herself to reveal a pair of beautiful big brown eyes, beautiful apart from the reddish tinge to them where her eyes were still sore from crying, a tear stained face, and long slender pale limbs marked with scars scratches and scabs from where she'd been "picking away" at herself as her doctors put it.

She unsteadily got up off the bed and slowly, like a child taking its first steps made her way wobbling to her desk to turn her music back on. The sound of Placebo filled the room.

"Come on Balthazar
I refuse to let you die
Come of fallen star
I refuse to let you die

Cause it's wrong
And I've been waiting far too long
And it's wrong
I've been waiting far too long
For you to be
Be
Be
Be

Be mine
For you to be mine
Be mine
For you to be mine

And it's wrong
I've been waiting far too long
It's wrong
I've been waiting far too long
For you to be
Be
Be
Be

All the centrefolds
That you can't afford
Have long since waved their last goodbyes
All the centrefolds
That you can't afford
You've long since faded from their eyes

So be
Be mine
So be
Be mine"

Ellie fell back into a heap on the floor and resumed her crying. It'd been over a month and a half since she stopped taking her anti depressants and she was returning to her now normal erratic state, the drugs were making their way out of her system, it felt like a curtain was being lifted from Ellie's face, a curtain of false happiness that her drugs had created for her. And now there was only blackness, the cold hard bitter black truth. It felt like a slap in the face, the realisation that she was going to die, that everyone was eventually. And no matter what she did to stop it, it would happen. Why should she bother to brush her hair in the mornings, she was only going to die after all. Why go to college, she wouldn't need it once she was dead, what good was knowledge when you weren't around to use it.

What good was any of it anymore? Everything's eventual after all, you can't stop a speeding train before it hurtles off a cliff, brutally killing everyone inside.
Ellie didn't want to move, in fact she didn't know that she had the s

In the dead of night, the cool breeze blows softly on my face, making my cheeks glow rosy red. The full moon above shining down and giving off just enough light so I can see my way around the crowded cemetery.

I see headstones and tombs with those who have gone before me. Each one has its own story. I cannot hear each one because there are too many and if I listen, I would be there for twenty years and age while listening. I am also too preoccupied with my own thoughts and the reason why I am here.

Besides the old giant weeping willow is a huge tomb. It's cold gray stone with beautiful Celtic symbols and knots engraved on it. On top of the Roman threshold is a statue of a fallen angel. She's kneeling with scars on her body. Clothed in a ripped garment and has wings that contain little feathers and the bare bones are broken. Tears are coming out of her eyes with a face of shame and guilt. Her hair is short and messy and covering most of her right eye.

I step inside where the only light is a small candle on one of the walls above the cherry wooden coffin. I move towards the coffin and place my right hand on top of it. I close my eyes as tears start to run down my cold face. The sadness overcomes me bringing me to my knees just like the angel outside. My tears turn into rain puddles as I start to sob.

Once I have calm down a little, I get up from the stone flooring and walk over to the opposite wall where some words are written. It's the same poem that I have heard before. It reads:

"Feel my pain
Watch it bleed
Down my arm
Mixing with tears
Pouring out for attention
But I am invisible to the world
How much blood do I have to bleed
To be notice as a human
Why can't you treat me
Just like everyone else
Is that too hard
I guess so
Well I'll just
Cut one more time
Let it pour onto the floor
And my body turns white
Then maybe I am human"
- The Fallen One

I turn back to the coffin and close my eyes. I say a silent prayer to the one who occupies the coffin. Then I open my mouth and speak to the one who lays dead.

"I hope you are happy with what you have done to yourself. I'd hope you'd handle things better, but I was wrong. There's no second chance in life." I yelled.

I turned around towards the doorway and made my way towards it. I made my way slowly in fear of what might happen if I just left. Tears still dripping down my face while taking one last look at the coffin.

I walked pass all the other gravesites ignoring the pleads of their occupants who want my ears for listening to their stories and to not leave the cemetery. What they don't know is that I can't be with my body anymore. I killed myself in an act of cowardice.