You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit……..

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician……….

As funny as a burning orphanage………

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs…………

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes……….

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn……..

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit……….

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry. ?????

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard……….

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche…………

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her………..

A sniper wouldn't take her out………..

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle……..

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one………

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle…….

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede………

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall…….

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a mickey factory……

Carlow = Mad for sugar beet, can’t get enough of it. Hobbies: Growing sugar beet.

Cavan = filthy, ignorant hillbillies, tight. Hobbies: discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.

Clare = fiddle-playing charming people and, more recently, fine footballers. Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being never heard from ever again, setting up golf courses in their back lawns.

Cork = the loveable rogues of Ireland. Here for everyone else’s entertainment. Hobbies: Milking cows, being European capital of culture but not knowing what exactly that means or how they got it boy?

Donegal = away in their own world up there, not much known about this eccentric type. Hobbies: Stripping the Irish coast of fishies, running back up to their corner of the island and blaming the Spanish….aye twas the Spanish!!

Dublin North = criminals, drug dealers and factory workers, dirty women, skinheads and all-round examples of human waste. Hobbies: Heroin and watching serial numbers being filed off stolen BMW's, joy-riding anything from a Lexus to a washing machine.
Dublin South = west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women. Hobbies: talking shite and sleeping with their best friend's spouse or mother.

Galway = sophisticated culchies, sexually adventurous, cultured and wealthy. Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to foreign tourists, dropping acid, juggling with fire on the streets, paying a million pounds for a three bedroom suburban house and pretending it was a bargain.

Kerry = God’s kingdom on earth, no doubt about it. Some of the best land in Ireland but they don’t tell anyone this. Hobbies: Football, swimming with dolphins, football, seeing how many foreigners they can score each year, football, hosting a massive festival every week, football, going to the South Pole and football.

Kildare = is anyone really from Kildare or are they all just from Dublin? Hobbies: Denying they have anything to do with Dublin. Spending best part of 4 hours each day travelling to and from Dublin. Using Daz for whiter than white jerseys on a summer’s day.

Kilkenny = red haired alcoholics who refuse to believe not all land in Ireland is capable of growing barley and wheat “not a bother”. Hobbies = driving massive combines, hosting comedy festivals and having red-haired babies.

Laois = harmless aul bunch of lads, hope to have the whole county by-passed at some stage by 2025 so they can get on with their own business. Hobbies: Living an honest life, collecting EU development grants, getting the piss taken out of them for being the queen’s county…haha ye plantation bastards!

Leitrim = enigmatic reclusive weirdos. Hobbies: learning about traffic lights and roundabouts in school (night school for adults that is).

Limerick = grand place, great sports people, city has bad reputation through no fault of its own. Hobbies: stabbing people, gang-land murders, drug hauls, graffiti spraying, joy-riding….

Longford = Gombeen men. Hobbies: Legalising bestiality.

Louth = IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits. Hobbies: Tearing through Cooley at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of cheap vodka from falling out the window.

Mayo = Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden losers, emigrate as soon as the umbilical cord is cut. Hobbies: roaring about how great they are, whinging about why nobody likes them.

Meath = either Dublin wannabes or mad country bucks. Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day somebody in Dublin will actually notice, driving massive john deere’s cos they’re big, green and yellow too.

Offaly = Bog. Hobbies = exploiting bogs and later making them into tourist attractions…hats off!

Roscommon = flat county, a silage pit is a mountain. Hobbies: Sheep-stealing.

Sligo = either in their 20s and a surfer or in their 80s and a granny, no in-betweens. Hobbies: Surfing and knitting wet-suits for their grand children.

Tipperary = promiscuous girls, Tipp does not have two