1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Quotes from Irish Leaving Cert English Essays

1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.


3. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.


4. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.


5. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


6. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

7. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.


8. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.


9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.


10. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one havingleft Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph


13. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.


14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


15. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.


16. The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.


17. Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.


18. Shots rang out, as shots are bound to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.


21. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 50 cent-a-pint night.


22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


23. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.

24. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.


25. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.


26. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

27. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

28. It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

29. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.


30. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature British beef.


31. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal fax machine that needed a band tightened.

32. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


33. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a 'Thigh Master.'