Miranda: I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says virgin. I have a child. The jig is up.

Adam: Come on, give me a little BJ, up and down a couple times, you're done, it's easy!
Samantha: Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'!

Samantha: Ladies! Seamen, twelve o'clock!
Miranda: I pray when I turn around there are sailors, because with her, you never know.

Nurse: Do you swallow?
Samantha: Only when surprised.

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.
Charlotte: What happens to it?
Samantha: Nothing; I just never go back.
Carrie: Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?
Samantha: That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.
Miranda: And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

Samantha: Listen, when you're on location, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Smith: What's that rule out?
Samantha: Mmmm, there are things. Karaoke, I don't do that.

Carrie: You broke up with James because he was too small. This guy's too big. Who are you, Goldicocks?
Samantha: Yep! I'm looking for one that's juuuust right.

Carrie: I had often fantasized about running into my ex and his wife. But in those fantasies, I was running over them with a truck.

Charlotte: There's just one thing and it's small, but it really grosses me out. We have a teabag situation.
Samantha: Oh, I understand. Just breathe through your nose.

Samantha: The only place you can control a man is in bed. If we perpetually gave men blow jobs we could run the world!
Carrie: And at least our hands would be free to greet dignitaries and stuff.

Samantha: Maybe there's something he can eat to make it sweeter.
Carrie: Maybe you should write to Martha Stewart.
Miranda: "Dear Martha: Funky spunk. Help."

Samantha: I'll tell you how to babyproof. Use a condom!

Charlotte: I have never done a number two at a boyfriend's place.
Samantha: Honey, you're so uptight, you need to do a number seven.

Oh Baltimore!

To the tune of Christy Moore's Lisdoonvarna

How’s it going’ there everybody, from Cork, New York, Gortahork and Ballyholey.
Here we are in the square and it’s a long, long way from here to there.
There’s Bushes and McCarthy’s,
Cotter’s and the Jolie Brise
Youen Jacob and Declan T.
Gerry Nagle and Bridget C.
Drunks and weirdos everywhere, if its fun you want you should come to the square.

Oh Baltimore! Balti, Balti, Balti, Baltimore!

Everybody needs a break, climb a mountain, or jump in a lake,
Some head off to exotic places, others go to the Galway Races
A cousin of mine looks at Art,
A cousin of her’s loves Mickey Harte
Rossie goes to the south of France,
Pete to London, Tim to the dance,
Summer comes around each year,
We go there and they come here,
Some people go to Pukalor!
But I always go to Baltimore

Chorus

We’re always there on a Thursday night,
With the drink in our jumpers rolled up tight,
I like to hit the green around about 8:15
This gives me time to get my stuff together,
Don’t need to worry about the Weather.
In the V for a pint of stout,
You’d never know who’ll be hanging about.
There’s an O’Hanlon drinking a can,
And a girl talking to Sarah Cadogan,
Anto and Alicia talking to Fee,
Turlough getting beat up by Gee.
Nicky, Laura and a mate their drinking away not going to wait,
And, Jaysus, ain’t it great.

Chorus

The multitudes they came and went,
To get a house and pay the rent.
In the sun getting tans
with Bottles, barrels, flagans, cans.
Mighty craic, loads of Frolics.
Pioneers and Alcohalics.
Sun, Sailing and the BSC,
On Thursdays it’s the place to be.
Bleached Hair and sunburnt skin,
On the wall beside the bin,
O’Regans, Connollys, Lynchs, Loanes.
Mickey playing with my bloody phone!
This is heaven! This is hell!
Who cares! Who can tell!
Anyone for the last few Choc-ices now?

Chorus

Everybody needs a break,
Climb a mountain or jump in a Lake.
Jules O’Mahoney goes to a hotel in Kerry
Amy O’Driscoll goes home to Skerries!
But I like the Craic and the open air,
So every night I come to the square,
Cus Witness, Wesley, or any other,
Could hold a match to our summer.

Chorus




The Second Baltimore Song

Never reached the Dizzy heights of the first song but its ok
To the tune of The Bould Thady Quill

For smokin’ or jokin’, for dancin’ courtin’
For drinkin’ Gay Priate till your stomachs sore
In all your days rovin’ you’ll find nowhere finer
Than our little heaven our own Baltimore

Ye maids of Dublin 4 who’re anxious for courtin’
A word of advice I will give on to ye
Proceed to West Cork and on through to Baltimore
The greatest folks in the world your destined to see
On Thursdays you’ll head on down to the disco
And pay your five euro to Gee on the door
The Craic will be ninety the men will be mighty
Apart from oul quiggers asleep on the floor

Our gang is made up of a great many people
Like Conor O’Hanlon from rochestown road
And cute turlough donnelly you can call him turkle
And small Rosie Dillon my god has she grown.
Stef O’Connell farms Chickens out in the country
Tats dads is a lawyer “why didn’t you know?”
Jack Tim and Hugo are our boys from clongowes
And Jesus just look at them doesn’t it show
(And sssshhh! Fionn o’sullivans a little bit a slow)

Karen Loane is laughing at all that’s going on
Claudia’s with her new friends from TCD
Sarah drinks her wine up, Nicola talks to john
Whilst Julie and Caroline are having a pee
We’re all having the craic up in Ross’s gaf tonight
Rachel and her friend are off with some guys
And some fucking wankers are trying to start a fight
But they’ll be no match to our lads perfect pitch and poise

Coffee morning women talked about all our doings
Of binge drinking and puking up in the bogs
Of numerous couples and what they were up to
Like Anto and R

When clubbing goes keerrraaazzzyy! woth curtisy for the Connster herself, bai!see u in REDZ!!lol!xx

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO
IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.


2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING
WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!"
IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE
AROUND.


3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED
THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.


4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO THE BATHROOM,
WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.


5. WE DROP OUR 3:00 A.M.
SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH WE'RE
EATING EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY),
PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT


6.WE START CRYING AND TELLING
EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
MUCH.


7. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED
AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"


8. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL
SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US


9. THE MAN WE'RE FLIRTING
WITH USED TO BE OUR 5TH class TEACHER.


10. OUR EYES JUST DON'T SEEM
TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO WE
KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.


11. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN
UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.


12. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER,
WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S
JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO
LONGER TASTE THE VODKA.


13. WE START EVERY CONVERSATION
WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE
WRONG WAY BUT..."


14. OUR HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE
WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.


15. WE ARE TIRED SO WE JUST
SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER WE HAPPEN TO
BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.


16. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF
BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT