BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.


2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't' t do a thing

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
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The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
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Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and

wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

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Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:

God's reward for allowing your children to live

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.





What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag





Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.







What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts





Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.





What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.





What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.





What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes





What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife





Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.






Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.










What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you





Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.





Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.





What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.





What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'





Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.





Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.





Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.





Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'








What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment







What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.





How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!






What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ..' -

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....


--

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what...? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot Asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00;
Court Costs $45.00;
Look on the Cop's Face ... PRICELESS!