1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon and make him beg.

1. What's on your mind right now?
too much

2. Where is your biological mother right now?
over there

3. Have you ever made out in a basement?
no

4. Which shoe do you put on first?
ermmm which ever i pick up first lol

5. What is the status of you and the last person you kissed?
single

6. Do you get distracted easily?
yep

7. What's the last text you received say?
not tellinnnnnn

8. Who was it from?
nic

9. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a K?
yea

10. First & last time you kissed the last person you kissed?
no idea man lol

11. What was your childhood nickname?
errrrr linky? :S

12. What would you change about your life right now?
lots and lots

13. How do you feel about public displays of affection?
ermmm well depends how far it goes i wouldnt like to be centre of attention though lol

15. Have you ever bitten your nails?
yea when im nervous and bored lol

16. Do you live alone?
nah i wish lol

17. Do you smoke?
sometimes

18. Can you keep a secret?
yes!

19. What was the best year of your life?
noneeeeee

20. Do you have any strange phobias?
yea.....cotton wool....lol

21. Your favorite romantic movie is?
hmmmmm not sure tbh

23. Have you ever played Twister?
yea many many yrs ago...i fancy playin it drunk like

24. What was the last thing you received in the mail?
dvd's

28. Do you have trust issues?
yes

29. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
yep

30. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
dont drink water but on any bottle sometime.... magners bottle especially...i need to stop lol

31. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
some random lol

32. Do you like to cuddle?
yeah who dont man?!

33. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
yea lmao

34. What was the last advice someone gave you?
ermmmmmmmmmmmm i dunno really.....i suppose....."just go man! u'll never know unless u go..."

35. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
errrrrr i dunno

36. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
probs lol

37. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
so much harder to forget like

38. Do you give out second chances too easily?
hmmmm sometimes depends

39. What is the most important thing in any relationship?
trust, respect

40. Kiss with your eyes open or closed?
closed

41. Do you have a best friend?
yep

43. Do you trust people easily?
no

44. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
yes!!!! its my plan lol

45. Ever had plans and broke them?
yea lol

47. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you talk to 24/7?
no

48. Do you remember what you were like two years ago?
ermmmmm aged 15....hmmmmmm was still as fucked up as i am now...probs more fucked up now to be honest...omg 2 yrs ago...that was a really bad time actually...

49. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
yep

50. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
emrmmmm hmmmmmmmm me mam probs lol

51. Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
no... :S how could i get my legs up that far for that long? lmao

53. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
lmao.....yes many a time...long story

54. Where did you go yesterday?
ermmmmmm i cant remember... lol ohhhh its a secret haha

1.You're really upset. Who is the first person you call to vent to?
nicolaaaaaaaa

2. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
yep

3. Does it matter to you if your bf/gf smokes cigs?
nope

4. Can you do a split?
not tried in a while lmao

5.Do you get along better with guys or girls?
guys lol

6.Last person you texted?
nic

7. Do you like shows like Forensic Files and Unsolved Mysteries?
yeahhhhhhh lol but then ya get scared to go out the next day lmao

8.Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
mornin feel cleaner

9. List 1 person you were best friends with in 6th grade?
errrrr a dunno cannit remember lol emma probs

10. Name the best person who could cheer you up.
nicccccccc

11. Have you been to New York City?
nope

12. Who is the last person you added to your contacts list in your phone?
ermmmm no idea :S

13.Do you have any expensive jewelry?
yea lots of watches

14. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
some randomer

15. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
hmmmm not really

16. Heard any really great quotes lately?
ermmmm no

17. Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
ermmm dunno

18. Myspace or Facebook?
MySpace but bebo over my space lol

19. Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
yea

20. Have you ever tattooed anyones name on you?
no and i dont think i would maybe my kids names

21. Who is your number one on myspace?
rachhhh

22.What is the name of your siblings best friend?
john

23. What's the most appealing thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

24. Which year has been the best so far?
none

25. Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?
yea

26. Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?
no

27. Last time you smiled?
not too long ago lol had a canny good laugh tonight

28. Last text message in your inbox?
can u ring me tomorrow instead? i've been asleep.....u lazy bugger nic!

29. When is your next road trip?
hmmm dunno tomorrow mornin at 10 is my next drivin lesosn though lol

30. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant right now?
i dunno

31. Where is your phone?
next to me of course

32. Do you think your current pets will be alive ten years from now?
doubt it dogs dont really live until they're 17 and if they do ur lucky

33. When was your last bubble bath?
last week i prefer showers

34. Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?
yea i do actually lol

35.Where is your pet right now?
all in this room with me

36.Name five things you did yesterday?
woke up
thought
got up
job hunted....watched tv really lmao
beddddddddd

37. What color phone do you have?
Black

38. How many kids do you want to have?
i dunno deffo more than one though

39. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
pj's

40.What color are your eyes?
Bluey greeny

41. What are you doing tomorrow?
driving wooo

42. Do you know someone who likes you?
no

43. Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?
yea

44. What color is your hair?
blondey/red

46. What is the closest blue object to you?
me bra lmao

47. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
no i hate it i choke on it lol

49. Have you ever been in handcuffs?
lmao kinky.....no

50. If you could say anything to any one person what would it be?
ur a cunt fuck off hehe