Come on, let me carry your bag.
Juno MacGuff: Oh, what's another ten pounds?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?
Juno MacGuff: What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?
Bren: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.
Mac MacGuff: That was my first instict too. Or a DUI... anything but thins!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rollo: So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?
Juno MacGuff: I don't know. It's not seasoned yet.
[grabs products]
Juno MacGuff: I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: Or... THUNDERCATS ARE GO!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juno MacGuff: It all started with a chair.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
Paulie Bleeker: No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[at Juno’s ultrasound]
Leah: Dude that thing looks freaky.
Juno MacGuff: I am a sacred vessel; all you got in your stomach is taco bell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac MacGuff: Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paulie Bleeker: I still have your underwear.
Juno MacGuff: I still have your virginity.
Paulie Bleeker: Would you shut up?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac MacGuff: Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: I'm just gonna go ahead an nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to, you know…
Juno MacGuff: …infants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Su-Chin: [protesting in front of the abortion clinic] All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juno MacGuff: Wow your shorts are like especially gold today.
Paulie Bleeker: My mom uses color safe bleach.
Juno MacGuff:

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 Kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.

As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says, "Because you're minging."

Podge and Rodge Quotes

I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped a*se

You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving)I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the
exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I left her with a face like a painters radio

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

As fit as a butcher's dog

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss
off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab