1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie,
Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know hus used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.
17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
20. Finally, you are 100% Scottish if you have ever said/heard these words...



how's it hingin

clatty

boggin

cludgie

pished

get it up ye

wee beasties

arse bandit

amurny

away an bile yer heid

peely-wally

humphey backit

Ba'-heid

baw bag

dubble nuggit

Fit lyk min bam?

SOME SAY........
He drinks a lot of petrol.
He was born in space.
He never blinks.
He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins.
If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down. (matrix)
He could annihilate the Daleks, Dr Who and the Cyberman, if he could be bothered.
He is scared of bells.
He once punched a horse to the ground.
His politics are terrifying.
He lives in a tree.
He likes DragonBoarder.
He was raised by wolves.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He is confused by stairs.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
He is illegal in 17 U.S. states.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
His brain is a Satellite navigation system.
He can "accumbularate".
He appears on Japanese banknotes.
There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
After eating printing ink, he obtains the ability to fly.
He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats.
He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater.
He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact.
He is more machine than man.
His heart is in upside down.
His teeth glow in the dark.
His favourite food is raw meat.
He has no age.
He urinates 98 RON petrol.
He can smell corners.
He likes his eggs sunny side up.
He has acid for blood.
Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
He has a bionic arm.
He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
He is stumped by clouds.
He has no fear.
His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott.
He has a digital face.
If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar.
He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
His genitals are on upside down.
If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
If he left Britain, his ears would explode.
His ears have a paisley lining.
He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.
If given an important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet.
He invented Branston Pickle.
If you insult his mother, he will head butt you in the chest.
On really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake.
For some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch.
His fingernails have 330bhp.
His tongue can strip the paint off a Porsche in 30 seconds.
His first name really is "The".
If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
Long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced, waste of blood & organs.
He once had a viscous knife fight with Anthea Turner
He was in no way involved with the cash for honours scandal,Welcome Lord Stig!
He was a CIA experiment gone wrong
He eats a lot of cheese
His chest tastes like piccalily
He was thrown out of the Brit Awards for goosing Russel Brand
He sucks moisture from ducks
His helmet was modelled on Britney Spears' head
Hes not machine washable
All his potted plants are named steve
ALL WE KNOW IS HES CALLED THE STIG