Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Okay, then I went to Google, typed in Chuck Norris, and clicked I’m feeling lucky which took me to a page with lots more one-liners…

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Men Are Just Happier People--
>Because your last name stays put.
>The garage is all yours.
>Wedding plans take care of themselves.
>Chocolate is just another snack.
>You can be President.
>You can never be pregnant.
>You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
>You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
>Car mechanics tell you the truth.
>The world is your urinal.
>You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
>this one is
>just too icky.
>You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
>bolt.
>Same work, more pay.
>Wrinkles add character.
>Wedding dress £5000. Suit rental-£100.
>People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
>The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
>One mood all the time.
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
>You know stuff about tanks.
>A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
>You can open all your own jars.
>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
>If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
>friend.
>Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack
>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
>You almost never have strap problems in public.
>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
>Everything on your face stays its original color.
>The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
>You only have to shave your face and neck.
>You can play with toys all your life.
>Your belly usually hides your big hips.
>One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
>You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
>You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
>You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
>minutes.
>No wonder men are happier.