TOOL and all as he is, the old man's solicitor ended up playing a blinder in court, roysh, and I ended up getting my, like, driving licence back on the grounds that I shouldn't have been given penalty points for my passenger not wearing a seatbelt because my passenger was basically a driving instructor, roysh, and driving instructors don't have to wear them.
Cut a long story short, roysh, the feds focked up big style and though I wouldn't normally be one to gloat, I couldn't resist the temptation to turn up at Donnybrook last Sunday to let them know the ledge is back on four wheels again.

As luck would have it, roysh, the bogger who actually pulled me is behind the counter when I walk in, just standing there with his big mulchie mouth open, waiting for someone to throw turnips and cabbages into it. I just, like, slap the old licence down on the counter,roysh, and he goes, "What's thash, eh?" making no effort to hide what he is, and I end up going, "That would be the driving licence of the handsome, rugby legend, sex machine called Ross'Carroll-Kelly that you tried to take away."
Suddenly he cops who I am, roysh, but before he has a chance to say anything, I just go, "Go back to focking Templemore. And listen this time, " and then I'm out of there.
It actually puts me in cracking form for the night, roysh. I was meeting the goys . . . we're talking Oisinn and JP . . . in Slapper Face Jacks of all places. Not that we make a habit of going there, roysh, but to be honest we've been overfishing the waters of Anabel's, Reynords and the Club of Love the last few weeks, so we decided . . . as we sometimes do .. to go agricultural.
Of course Sunday was All Ireland final day, roysh, which meant Slappers was wall-to-wall Eileens and Noleens that night. So there's the three studs up at the bor, roysh, JP saying how inter-county jerseys are the most unflattering garment a bird can put near her body, Oisinn coming back from the can white-faced, saying he just met a bird who was wearing Blue Stratos, and you get the idea, roysh, we're ripping the total piss. 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' comes on, roysh, and of course the three goys hit the dance-floor and stort giving it loads. I ended up dancing with this total Noleen . . ."May O, " she goes when I asked her where she was from . . and when the music slowed down, roysh, I asked her did she want a drink. I'm there, "Bacardi Breezer? Smirnoff Ice?" andthen under my breath, "Ivomec?"
She doesn't hear the last bit, roysh, but of course the goys do and I can hear them, like, high-fiving each other behind me. So I buy her a drink, roysh, and we get chatting and it's, like, the usual vibe you get off bogger birds, keeps referring to Dublin as "the big shmoke" and calls everyone including other birds "lads".

We're talking big-time chip on her shoulder here and it takes a good hour of spadework before I've persuaded her to take me back to hers for a few intercounty games of our own. As we're leaving the building, Oisinn hands me a packet of love zeppelins and goes, "You might need these. Protect you from HIV, hepatitis, mastitis, liver fluke and cattle grubs."

Her gaff turns out to be her cousin's bedsit on the Merrion Road, roysh ..definitely the last time I go rural . . and there I am about to throw the lips on her when all of a sudden, we're talking totally out of the blue, she goes, "I want you to wear something for me." Of course I'm about to take out the little packet Oisinn gave me, roysh,when all of a sudden she produces this big box and what's in it ....you are SO not going to believe this . . . a focking SUPERMAN suit.
I'm there, "You are seriously yanking my chain if you think I'm putting that on, " but she goes, "It's a fantasy of mine. If you don't want to do it, you know where the door is." I'm thinking, well, no one's going to see me, roysh, so to cut a long story short I end up putting it on. Of course the focking thing's, like, 10 sizes too small for me, roysh, but I h