1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player

Read this selection of Premiership teams and the women they are most like. Plus an extra one for a team that used grace our top league. Read on…

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over

Aston Villa - Dido One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Mariah Carey Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick

Everton - Barbara Windsor Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn’t work when put together.

Man City - Madonna Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though

Man United - Jordan Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde On the face of it a has-been but you’re quite interested in what she’s going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you’ve got a bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Joan Collins Used to look good, but living on past glories.

Additional one more…

West Ham - Britney Spears Been threatening to go down for the last few years, but finally did it this year.

How To Speak Fluent "Norn Irish"

A

Afeard - scared
Ah - I or me, ie Ah don't feel well
Aminal -common mispronounciation of Animal
Amptinat? -I most definitely am.
Ar$ehole -calling someone a rectum
Aye -meaning "yes"


B

Balleex -"b0ll0cks" Thats balleex - Used in context when disagreeing with someone
Bake -someones face
Baltic - quite cold
Banjaxed - drunk
Bate -beat, I bate her up so ah did
Bate The Wife - bottle of cider
Beef -male sexual organ ie "Ah slipped her the beef lawst nite"
Beezer - Very good, Thats Beezer
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping :also oul' beg" when referring to an elderly female
Blurt -Slang for female genetalia
Boggen - dirty, unclean
Boulin' -messing about
Bout Ye -"Hello"
Brave - large
Brew - weekly benefit
Buggered -broken

C

Cameracorder -grannies use of the word "camcorder"
Cheeser -like Beezer, meaning "very good" or "exellent"
Chicken -child slang for "afraid"
Chinks -popular Chinese food Take Aways
Childer -children
Cracker -not something you put cheese on, means beezer
Creamed -tired


D

Dander -a walk, ie I'm goin fer a dander
Dawg -canine, dog
Digikil -common mis-prounciation of "Digital"
Drawers -underwear
Dour -a door
Duncher -Cap

E

Earlee-er -before the present
Eejit -derived from "Idiot", means "Idiot"
Eff Aaf - F*ck Off


F

FaakAaf - Excuse me my good man, kindly vacate the premises
Faaler -father
Fally - follow
Fillum -a movie or film
Fingy -someone whose name you can't remember
Frig -polite word for "F*ck", also used: Flip
Flour - a floor
Fut - foot

G

Gat -slang, You're a wee gat or get
Geg -fun, "Ats a geg"
Getawaydaf*ck -go away now
Givuz -give me
Glass -Half-Pint
Goes -replaces the word "Said" ie And I goes: What? Are you slabberin'?" And then she goes,Yip."
Gutties -training shoes


H

Happy Days - that's good
Hardly -meaning "Thats not true" ie Hardly now. Hardly.
Hectic - See Mad
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of a loaf
Heerzme - "And then I said..."
Hippy - someone who likes Bon Jovi
Houl On -please wait

J

Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking


K

Kudn't -couldn't ie Ah kudn't do that...


L

Lairdindeyit -please do start eating (or drinking) see also
"wiredintillit"
Leenantarsapees -Famous Italian landmark
Lifted - arrested
Lingo -language


M

Mad - See Hectic
Mairshen -Emersion Heater
Magic -not tricks, but another word meaning great or good
Majassif - large
Mawn -a man, male
Meat Wagon -RUC Landrovers
Melt -no actual meaning, used as: "I'll knock your melt in"
Messages - weekly shopping
Milly -name given to teenage females. See also: Steek
Moufycunt - rather outspoken person
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or "Ma"


N

Nek it - drink that drink in one
Nice One -that was good
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Norwegain - Another Gin please
Now Yer Sucken Deezel -that's a good way of going about that

O

Offees -alchohol retailer
Oi -a yelp for someones attention ie Oi! You! C'mere!"
Oxters -Armpits

P

Pat - container in which food is boiled
Prably -maybe, its likely
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Parfil - strong
Peeler -a police officer
Piece-sandwich
Pot - short for Patrick
Pssskety -common misprounciation of "Spaghetti"
Pump - to urinate
Purdie -countryside slang for Potato

Q
Quim -slang for female genetalia

R

Ragin' -angry, Ahm bloody ragin' so ah am.
>> >>>Ration -you'd be doing this if you were trying to get to somewhere
in a hurry, in Ballymena
Rare -not to be confused with "scarce", means crap

S

Samitch -mispronunciation of "Sandwhich"
Scundered - embarrassed
Sebm -seven [7]
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Sicken' Ye - would annoy you
Skinned Ye! - Haha my good friend, I do believe I won that particular game by a significant margin

Slabber -someone who makes bad comm