1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the #### time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. True men don't mind rain.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: Number 5 doesnt exist

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Paul O'Connell

Superman owns a pair of David Wallace pyjamas

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan
borrowed two bucks from Denis Leamy and forgot to pay him back

You are what you eat. That is why Paul O'Connells diet consists
entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear
has to fear is Paul O' Connell

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break David wallace open
you would find another David Wallace inside, only smaller and
angrier.

An Englishman once tried to throw a ball over Denis Leamy's
head......This has gone down as the biggest mistake in rugby history

David Wallace wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the
players on the other team

Denis Leamy once had a near death experience*needless to say death now
refuses to come near him.

As a child David Wallace used to hunt alligators in the Shannon. I know
what you are thinking: "There are no alligators in the Shannon".
Yeah...Now!

Anthony Foley was killed in a car crash 5 years ago, but the Grim Reaper
can't work up the courage to tell him.

Paul O'Connell sleeps with the lights on. The dark is afraid of him.

Donnacha O'Callaghan is brought to the matches in a securecore van and released onto the pitch.

Denis Leamy hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Paul O’Connell has three Ys and a P. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Denis Leamy Paul O' Connel and David Wallace once went to Wembley to see England v Ireland in a soccer match. They stood in the middle of the English crowd in their Irish jerseys. This has gone down in history as the only time a whole stadium sang the away teams national anthem and a minute silence was held for the home teams’.

Denis Leamy sold his soul to the devil for his ability to never feel pain and unparalleled strength. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Leamy bounced the devil before dumping him on hiss ass and taking his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.