1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37 ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol.

Stupid English commentators after England gets hammered by New Zealand this weekend: 'This is going to look like a drumming but it’s anything but' what part of the 6-32 score line suggests that they deserved more points? Not only did England give away an exorbitant amount of penalties but they also gave away 4 yellow cards, all of which were deserved, and all you hear from the commentators was whinging about New Zealand players constantly on the wrong side, the player who was constantly on the wrong side was Richie Mccaw, there’s a reason he doesn’t get penalised its because he’s the best law breaker in the modern game, have a look at any of the matches he plays, he constantly slows down the ball gets in the way of the half backs and generally fucks up the momentum of the opposition and he does it in such a way that he doesn’t get caught as opposed to the great grummbling fowards of the English pack who make no attempt to stay on their feet and just fall over the rucks. As well as this do a general comparison of the teams in key positions, Toby Flood Vs Dan Carter can anyone say mismatch? Then look at the rest of the New Zealand back line Muliaina, Rokocoko, Conrad Smith, Ma'a Nonu and Sivivatu the only player in the England back line who has a semblance of skill is Noon and that’s saying alot.
Not only this its their complete ignorance of the games that annoys me too, they were boasting for a good 5 or 10 mins about the fact that no other team had managed to score against new Zealand in the second half on their tour so far, I really dont think a poxy penalty that manages to double your overall score form 3 to 6 really deserves to be boasted about. The worst thing about all this is that the English supportors are going to be looking back at this match and saying 'If we didnt have all those yellows we could av won it'. No. No you couldnt have. You would have still got trounced, because your shit.