TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

6. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

7. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

8. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

9. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

10. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

11. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

12. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

14. You have enough clothes.

15. You have too many shoes.

16. Crying is blackmail.

17. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

19. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

22. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

23. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

24. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, or Jet Li flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway).

26. Check your oil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

28. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

29. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

30. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle (stare). We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.

33. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. If it itches, it will be scratched.

36. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

37. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong.

38. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

39. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.

Carlow = Mad for sugar beet, cant get enough of it. Hobbies: Growing sugar beet.

Cavan = filthy, ignorant hillbillies, tight. Hobbies: discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.


Clare = fiddle-playing charming people and, more recently, fine footballers. Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being never heard from ever again, setting up golf courses in their back lawns.

Cork = the loveable rogues of Ireland. Here for everyone elses entertainment. Hobbies: Milking cows, being European capital of culture but not knowing what exactly that means or how they got it boy?

Donegal = away in their own world up there, not much known about this eccentric type. Hobbies: Stripping the Irish coast of fishies, running back up to their corner of the island and blaming the spanish¦.aye twas the spanish!!

Dublin North = criminals, drug dealers and factory workers, dirty women, skinheads and all-round examples of human waste. Hobbies: Heroin and watching serial numbers being filed off stolen BMW's, joy-riding anything from a lexus to a washing machine.
Dublin South = west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women. Hobbies: talking shite and sleeping with their best friend's spouse or mother.

Galway = sophisticated culchies, sexually adventurous, cultured and wealthy. Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to foreign tourists, dropping acid, juggling with fire on the streets, paying a million pounds for a three bedroom suburban house and pretending it was a bargain.

Kerry = Gods kingdom on earth, no doubt about it. Some of the best land in Ireland but they dont tell anyone this. Hobbies: Football, swimming with dolphins, football, seeing how many foreigners they can score each year, football, hosting a massive festival every week, football, going to the south pole and football.

Kildare = is anyone really from Kildare or are they all just from Dublin? Hobbies: Denying they have anything to do with Dublin. Spending best part of 4 hours each day travelling to and from Dublin. Using Daz for whiter than white jerseys on a summers day.

Kilkenny = red haired alcoholics who refuse to believe not all land in Ireland is capable of growing barley and wheat not a bother. Hobbies = driving massive combines, hosting comedy festivals and having red-haired babies.

Laois = harmless aul bunch of lads, hope to have the whole county by-passed at some stage by 2025 so they can get on with their own business. Hobbies: Living an honest life, collecting EU development grants, getting the piss taken out of them for being the queens county¦haha ye plantation bastards!

Leitrim = enigmatic reclusive weirdos. Hobbies: learning about traffic lights and roundabouts in school (night school for adults that is)

Limerick = grand place, great sports people, city has bad reputation through no fault of its own. Hobbies: stabbing people, gang-land murders, drug hauls, graffiti spraying, joy-riding¦.

Longford = Gombeen men. Hobbies: Legalising bestiality.

Louth = IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits. Hobbies: Tearing through Cooley at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of cheap vodka from falling out the window.

Mayo = Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden losers, emigrate as soon as the umbilical cord is cut. Hobbies: roaring about how great they are, whinging about why nobody likes them.

Meath = Dublin haters and mad country bucks. Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day somebody in Dublin will actually notice, driving massive john deeres cos theyre big, green and yellow too.

Offaly = Bog. Hobbies = exploiting bogs and later making them into tourist attractions hats off!

Roscommon = flat county, a silage pit is a mountain. Hobbies: Sheep-stealing.

Sligo = either in their 20s and a surfer or in their 80s and a granny, no in-betweens. Hobbies: Surfing and knitting wet-suits for their grand children.

Tipperary = promiscuous girls, Tipp does not have two different Ridings for nothing! Hobbie

....and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news stand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?' He had both....so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet....

Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down....his people are undertakers

I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey. Forty yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Dublin's Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal! So much for religion.

Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.

1-5 to 0-8....well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language

Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now....but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail....I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!

I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork, sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae

Teddy looks at the ball....the ball looks at Teddy

Danny 'The Yank' Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well

He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50....he's on the 40....he's on the 30..........he's on the ground

In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball

He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point.......it went wide

Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of 12....all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce....

Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21, fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide......and the dog lost as well

Sean Og O Hailpin....his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold.

Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation