I’ve always found the idea of blogs in general, and particularly on Bebo, to be the epitome of vanity and self-loving, which is why it’s taken all my effort and restraint to hold back on writing them on a semi-regular basis. However, as I lie here now in my bed recovering from a 103 degree temperature and feeling generally pissed off at everything, and lacking anything more productive to do, I think I’ll let temptation reign victorious just this once.
The catalyst for this decision comes in the form of a series of articles I’ve been reading on the eternally informative BBC news website regarding the “complete degradation” of English grammar*. Most of you probably remember that our beloved grammatical system’s HIV+ diagnosis was first brought to mainstream attention a few years ago with the publication of ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’ by grammar Nazi Lynn Truss. It was a book that I always felt brought up a sprinkling of well seasoned points in a pot of overcooked fussiness. The fact that it was cited as an epiphany by many to whom the English language had before been merely a vehicle through which they could complain about the state of the weather and how “generally everything’s quite shit these days, isn’t it?” served only as the overturned cellar of salt into that already brimming pot.
Firstly, let me make it quite clear: I’m an avid fan of the English language. If the English language was Barbara Streisand, I would quite happily pay 500 Euro to see it perform in a 2 hour live show of its greatest hits. I think that when used properly, it can be quite beautiful and poignant in its own way. I also appreciate the need of a consistent and coherent grammar system to stop it all going to shit. I agree that everyone leaving primary school should at the very least know the difference between “you’re” and “your”, “they’re” and “their”, and “its” and “it’s”. These are intricate but important fundamentals in our language. No argument there.
Reading through these articles on the BBC website however, I became rather annoyed at the extent to which some members of the general public get indignant at the most obscure mix-up of rules which haven’t been relevant or in general use for a long time. Particularly grating was one gentleman’s heart wrenching ballad about how people tend to mix up “due to” and “owing to” (one being applied to a noun and the other to a verb). I congratulate the gentleman for his knowledge which obviously surpasses mine (I for one was never consciously aware of the distinction), while also berate him for his obvious lack of a life and misplaced messianic complex.
The other article on the website reported on Tesco’s decision to change its “10 Items or Less” sign at the express checkout to “Up to 10 Items” after coming under criticism from Linguists over the grammatical innaccuracy. They were technically right of course, as “less” applies to a quantity of while “fewer” would refer to individual items, but apparently these linguists feared that members of the public would be “confused” by the grammatical error. I had to laugh at this. Confused? How so? Would the general public’s world suddenly be turned upside down upon seeing this sign, wondering if they had inadvertently selected a combination of ten items that, when placed in the basket together, reacted chemically and ceased to be individual items but rather an amalgamated goo of shopping? Equally humourous was Marie Claire’s assertion that shops increasingly needed to use language “from people on the streets”. I don’t think I have ever read a statement before that manages so effectively to be condescending while at the same time OVERESTIMATING the public’s adherence to the less mainstream grammatical lessons Mrs. O’Sullivan taught them in 2nd Class on Tuesday afternoons.
Let’s face it, English is a complex enough language already, much more so than any

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ...Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it..... There are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Just to remind everyone who's interested that the UCD Freshers' Project is on this week. I'll be performing on Tuesday at 1.00 and 7.00 in "Catch of the Season", quite a good original script that one of the other members of Dramsoc wrote. It's being performed in the Dramsoc Blackbox theatre, which is downstairs in the Arts Block. Both performances will last about an hour, and tickets are (I believe) in the range of €2. Tickets are bought at the door.

Hope to see some of you there.