A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is
moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.


The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped 3 England Soccer Supporters."


They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to
douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to
car, taking up a collection."



The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"



..............."About a gallon"

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his
face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess,
comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those
two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.