1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. (dont even dare!)

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If they Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Go to the fitting rooms with a packet of condoms and say you would like to fit it.

21. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .....

Its Called ... therapy

1. YOU GO TO THE BALL WITH YOUR COUSIN.

2. A NICE RESTAURANT IS AN 'ALL YOU CAN EAT' PLACE.

3. SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY GOT PREGNANT AT 15.

4. A SLEEVE IS A FORM OF TISSUE FOR YOUR NOSE.

5. YOU HAVE TO DO DISHES MORE THAN 3 TIMES A DAY.

6. BREAKFAST IS THE LEFT OVER FOOD FROM LAST NIGHT.

7. YOU’RE SENT TO PICK WATERCRESS FOR A FUNERAL, 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

9. YOU GET A HIDING WITH A JANDAL/GUMBOOT/CHORD/SPOON

10. YOU CAN SPRINT BAREFOOT ON SHARP ROCKS.

11. YOU VISIT CUZZIES, AND SOMEONE'S WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU LEFT BEHIND LAST TIME.

12. YOU GIVE THE LONGEST SHOUT OUTS ON THE RADIO.

13. YOU HAVE 6 PEOPLE IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR.

14. IN A PHOTO, SOMEONE'S PULLING SOME KIND OF GANG RELATED HAND SIGNAL.

15. YOUR MUM CUTS YOUR HAIR COS YOU KEEP GETTING KUTU'S.

16. YOU’RE AT A PARTY, AND YOUR AUNTY/UNCLE TURNS THE STEREO OFF THEN STARTS PLAYING THE GUITAR.

17. YOU SEE SOMEONE WEARING YOUR SHOES THAT WENT MISSING AT THE MARAE.

18. THE WORDS 'OW' 'CHUR' AND 'SWEET' ARE PART OF YOUR VOCABULARY.

19. YOU GO TO SCHOOL TO EAT THE OTHER KIDS LUNCH

20. BULLRUSH WAS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT.

21. YOU THINK UR TRIBE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

22. YOUR DAD CUTS YOUR HAIR, GETS HOHA AND LEAVES THE OTHER HALF FOR THE NEXT DAY AFTER SCHOOL!!

23. YOUR OLDER BROTHER MAKES YOU CRY AND YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GETS A HIDING FOR CRYING.

24. ALL YOUR MARBLES ARE BALL BEARINGS AND YOU TRY TO PASS THEM OFF AS STEELIES.

25. YOUR JANDALS / GUMBOOTS ARE: UR RUNNING SHOES, UR WORK SHOES, UR FLIPPERS AND UR GOING OUT SHOES.

26. YOUR SWIMMING TOGS ARE SHORTS AND T-SHIRT. (AND UR IN MAUI, HAWAII, WHERE ALL THEY WEAR IS BIKINIS).

27. YOU DO BOMBS AT THE PUBLIC POOLS WHERE IT SAYS NO BOMBING.

28. YOU'RE GOOD AT TOUCH.

29. AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR RELATIONS IS A COCONUT.

30. YOU CANT SPEAK MAORI BUT ARE FLUENT WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

31. YOU GO TO A PARTY AND AT LEAST A COUPLE OF UR RELATIVES ARE SLEEPING ON THE TABLE.

32. ROTTEN FOODS ARE A DELICACY.

33. YOU THINK ONCE WERE WARRIORS IS A COMEDY

34. WHEN YOU PLAY A GAME YOU TRY TO MAKE IT WHITE ON BLACK

35. YOU DONT CARE ABOUT GETTING YOUR LAND BACK YOU JUST DONT WANT WHITE PEOPLE ON IT

36. WHEN YOU READ THE WORDS KA MATE KOE I TE KAI HIKARETI IT MAKES YOU WANT TO HAVE A SMOKE

37. YOU THINK THAT TRANSFORMERS THE CARTOON BACK IN THE 90'S IS STILL COOL

38. YOUR MARAE IS WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE

38a. YOU LIVE ON YOUR MARAE

39. YOU CANT PRONOUCE THREE PROPERLY

40. YOU WERE BORN ANYWHERE ELSE AUCKLAND