HOLLY -- e.g. "I gave it holly"---I put a fair bit of effort into it.

B0LLIX----Pat Spillane or any kerry players or supporters

MIGHTY---Very good

HAMES---A right **** e-e.g.-"He made a hames of that chance"

TIMBER---Intimidation of a hurling opponent - e.g.- "Show him some timber"

LAMP----A good thump---e.g.-"I swung for the sliotar, missed by 3 feet and lamped the full back"

A CROWD---A gathering of people who watch a match and hope for random acts
of violence -e.g-Meath supporters

SCHKELP---To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures -- e.g. "That whore from Tipp took a schkelp outta me leg"

HATCHET MAN---Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer instincts

BULLIN'---Angry-e.g-"The centre half was bullin' after I lamped him"

BULL THICK---Very angry-e.g.-"The centre half was bull thick after I lamped him again"

JOULT---A push-e.g.-"I gave him ! a joult and he has to wear a neck brace for 2 weeks"

THE COMM-A-TEEE---Local GAA bullshitters in general

BUSHTED---An undefined soreness-e.g.-"Jayz me arm is bushted"

THE BOMBER---Popular name for a fat hairy GAA player

A HANG SANGWIDGE---Consumed with "tay" on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of butter

RAKE-A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match

INDANAMAJAYSUS (in-da-nama-Jaysus)--! -What was that for referee?

YA B0LLIX YA---Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent

LEH-IT-IN-TA-FcuK-WUD-YA---Full forwards appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass

MULLOCKER---Untidy or awkward player released for matches

BURST THE B0LLIX---Instructions from the sideline to tackle your man

ROW---Disagreement involving four or more players

MASSIVE ROW---Disagreement involving both teams, including goalies, substitutes and supporters jumping fences

ALL-HELL-BROKE-LOOSE---A massive row that continues out in the parking area or
dressing room areas, usually resolved by the Garda

Pat Shortt .... Words of wisdom

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

"very good ciaran very very good >knacker: anyone whose sole purpose in life is to annoy people with possably dodgy farm plant or equipment, aka the bastard with the hat & the bastard with the van usually shortened to "yon" bastard" podge mc tiernan

A fierce pile of bog :
A sizable quantity of bog

G'wan ta fuck autt a dat:
Please go away

A Thundering fuck :
An unreliable person

A shlap in the face of a brick:
To be struck square in the face with a brick

A soft day :
Miserable fucking weather

Hardy man :
Someone who can survive waking up buck naked in
filthy ditch water on January the first after a year long drinking session

Machine :
General purpose term used to refer to any man made implement more advanced than a pitch fork

Hang sangwedge :
Salty ham surrounded by two slices stale bread. A buffer of cheap margarine, preferably Blue-Band (half inch thick) must separate the ham from the bread. A top class hang sangwige
will of course contain a sprinkling of sand.

A paka ha tayho :
A bag of crisps

Finches, ave'u the :
Have you the Finches orange soda

Girleen:
Any girl an older man would like to get his leg over.

Land Rover :
Usually a ford escort van that has seen better days.

Mighty :
Indicative of something being very good>

Craic :
fun, as in Mighty Craic or The Craic was Mighty

Locked :
very drunk

After a few shcoops :
reasonably drunk

Flahed :
a state of extreme exhaution, usually brought on by
consecutive locked nights

Fien :
Man whose name is unknown, or unremembered at ! the present time.

Fine piece of shtuff :
used to describe a person considered attractive.

Bollox :
multiple uses, generally derogatory

Cunt of a ting :
Something very difficult to do or use.

jibin:
make fun of someone.

Jaysus :
An expression of surprise.

Be Jaysus :
An expression of sheer surprise.

Fukdat :
An expression of mild displeasure

Yoke :
Just about anything whose proper Description doesn't spring to mind

Fierce :
It is, yes.

alp:
person who is good for nothing.

Eeegit :
Somebody less intelligent than oneself. i.e. a
complete fool altogether

A cute Hoor :
Somebody more intelligent than oneself. i.e. not a
complete fool altogether. In some situations this may refer to a person's ability to weasal out of buying their round of drinks, particularlary in Co Cork, as in "Ye Cute Cork Hoor".

A tight Kunt:
Similar to "A cute Hoor" and again has very little to do with the fairer sex except in perhaps her inability to fork out for her share of the booze.

Gobshite:
Someone very high in the "Eeegit" stakes but will
generally be a tourist or perhaps from Dublin.

Yoke-m-abus :
Any form of motorised transport

An onmercifull fe-ad :
A very large Sunday dinner partaken after several
pints of Guinness