Before I begin, ladies and gentlemen, can I have another round of applause for James
I've known this man for several years, and that is the longest I have heard him speak without saying CUNT … or mentioning 'the army’

Ladies and Gentlemen, first things first, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank the Groom for his kind comments, they are indeed very well turned out. However I also want to warn him that that was the last time he will get away with complimenting other women in the presence of his wife.

In researching my role for today, I read that as a rule of thumb the best man's speech should last about as long as it takes the bridegroom to perform his manly duties in bed. Though I
managed to make this last a few minutes, but will hopefully get the same amount of laughter

Now traditionally, the second speech at a wedding ends with the bridegroom proposing a toast to the bridesmaids - just as James did, quite superbly, a few moments ago. But since I’m the final speaker, I was wondering who gets to toast me? After all, I’m far more important than the bridesmaids - they don’t even have a speaking part! And as for looking after the rings, such a responsibility surely merits some form of recognition. So then, if no one has any objections I think we’ll start with a toast to the best man. To Calum!(skull a Smirnoff ice)

I would like to thank you all for joining us on this special day, especially the fans of Inverness Caley Thistle, lap it up guys its not often you get to enjoy a Saturday afternoon!

When James asked me to be his Best man I was honoured, I had an idea about the role but I did a bit of research into it is like being asked to make love to the queen, yes a great honour, but you dread the moment you have to rise to perform

So I knew firstly I had to get James here looking good, I tried my hardest but it is a face for radio!, I had to look after the rings to which jams said when giving me them guard these rings like you would guard your own in the prison showers! Do a speech to the groom, know one told me anyone else would be there! Also I have to dance with Kris after the groom, the father and the father in law, now im more than happy to dance with Kris, but the rest still owe me money from last dance for them

James and I have been friends for a while now we first met at a party where I realised that James has a witty anecdote for every occasion. I later realised that most of the time, it's the same witty anecdote for every occasion,

We became truly good friends when James moved in with me, he was up like a shot from London when he heard I had got the job as a manger of a lap dancing club

I miss that flat, it was a true bachelors pad, the smoke alarms beeped for you when dinner was ready and you would have your dinner in the sauce pan it was cooked in, im sure you have all heard of the dish who ran away with the spoon, well this was the kitchen they were escaping from!


Unfortunately – or fortunately, depending on what way you look at it – I didn't know James
at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education. James
was an exceptionally gifted student and he excelled in almost everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and successfully attended Cambridge University where he informs me that he attained a First Class Honours Degree in Rocket Science.

Now to be serious for a moment I would like to say how I happy I am for James and Kris and that they have found each other and how happy they make each other and I wish them all the best for the future

Before I finish, I'd like to ask James and Kris to participate in the speech now. Kris if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table, and James, if you would place your hand directly on top of Kris’s. Are you enjoying that, mate? Make the most of it, because it's the last time you'll have the upper