IMPORTANT RULEZ!!!

SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.


0 Comments 12 days ago

Here’s to Wezz.......
Everything comes to an end I suppose but I think for every
Reason, good and bad, I think you'll agree when I say even some of
The bad times were the best of times...

So here's to one last wezz...

To all the drama, to drunken convo's, to hot randomers, to beer goggles, to little tops and even littler skirts, to the two week before or two minute before planned outfit, to everyone who doesn’t care, to all the tickets kept in bra's, to the all the lost cloakroom tickets, to all the random blinging 'hommies' with drawn on tattoos, to the little hole in the wall for 'drinks', to the disgusting hot sweaty dance floor, to everyone who has ever had a first in wezz, to guys starting fights just to be shmad, to feeling on top of the world, to feeling like shit, to that daunting walk from the gate past everyone watching you till you join the queue, to people from your primary school who make you realize just for a second how much everything has changed, to hours getting ready and layers of makeup, to the girl who always ends up crying, to making friends with randomers, to i.d's to prove we're 16 (haha!), to dance off's, to the dodgey fake tan, to all the lads out front who never get in, to all the legends who ran across the pitch, to how the girls' make so much more effort the boys', to those who went every week to those who never went back, to baby wezz passes, to doney and carmella and their evil posse of illumonus yellow waistcoat clad bouncers, to those random oldie songs they put on, to skipping the queue and getting crushed in it, to having a great laugh with all the crew, to the legendary shell garage, to embarrassing moments, to talking about what happened...well what you thought happened or what you could remember what happened for the following Monday at school, to beat-the-slapper, to Halloween, xmas and all the special occasion wezz's, to all the arguments that were started and resolved in wezz, to the mirrors in the girls bathroom (agh!!), to that weird sign in book, to all the really friendly randomers who compliment everyone, to all the girls/guys nights out, to the break-ups, heart-breaks and nose-breaks, to knacker circles, to downing drinks down lanes, to the coldness outside, to finally getting to meet him/her, to the music... oh the music, to fluffy boots and fluffy bras, to going for any excuse at all, to that cheer when they put on a song that everyone loves and the way everyone runs in from outside to dance to it, to painful shoes, to dutch courage but above all to real courage, to all those stories adults
tell about Wesley or becktive "when I was your age", to the scandals, to getting stung, to the dj's who put up with all the ridiculous requests, to all the couples who finally got together in wezz, to couples getting separated by bouncers (hehehe...), to the boy’s bathroom (ewww...), to your birthday wezz, to the crazy woman who sells roses, to scabbing for smokes, to out-of-line drunken comments, to the crash-and-burn wezz's but especially to the amazing ones, to the next morning regrets, to the feeling when you get home from wezz - like exhaustion on ecstacy, to that one last song....... no words can describe it but you know that our time in wezz will
Never be forgotten........... xxx