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Damian William Milden
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1. Never leave a fellow crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
2. Never use your real name.
3. Never confess.
4. No one goes home alone.
5. Never let a girl get between you and a fellow crasher.
6. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
7. Blend in by standing out.
8. Be the life of the party.
9. Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
10. Invitations are for pussies.
11.Sensitive is good.
12. WHEN IT STOPS BEING FUN, BREAK SOMETHING
13. Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.
14. You’re a distant relative of a dead cousin.
15. Fight the urge to tell the truth.
16. Always have an up-to-date family tree.
17. Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
18. You love animals and children.
19. Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
20. The older the better, the younger the better. (See Rule Below)
21. Definitely make sure she’s 18.
22. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
23. There’s nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there is enough women to go around.
24. If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
25. You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.
26. Of course you love her.
27. Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
28. Make sure there’s an open bar.
29. Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
30. Know the playbook so you can call an audible.
31. If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow crashers know.
32. Don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
33. Never go back to your place.
34. Be gone by sunrise.
35. Breakfast is for closers.
36. Your favorite movie is “The English Patient”.
37. At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
38. Never hit on the bride! It’s a one-way ticket to the pavement.
39. The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.
40. Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”
41. Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.
42. At the service, sit in the fifth row. It’s close enough to the wedding party to seem like you’re an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row smells like crashing.
43. Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you’re after. But don’t talk about it. Allude to it. Then walk away. She’ll follow.
44. Always remember your fake name!
45. The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don’t sully them by “improvising.”
46. You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
47. Make sure all the single women know you’re there because you’ve just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiance.
48. Always work the following into a conversation: “Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?”
49. Be pensive! It draws out the “healer” in women.
50. Always pull out in time.
51. Tell any woman you’re interested in that you’d love to stay but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
52. Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you’re “sensitive.” Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
53. Avoid virgins. They’re too clingy.
54. If pressed, tell people you’re related to Uncle Ned. Everyone has an Uncle Ned.
55. Don’t fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
56. When seeing a rival crasher, do not interact-merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
57. The Ferrari’s in the shop.
58. If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will r
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