Strange labels

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere? I wonder what sort of consumer complaint led to this brilliant advice!!!!)


words of wisdom

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. (It wont be nice)

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is at age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.
just

1. What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo chav?
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint it bright yellow and stick a spoiler on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job?
Can I have a big mac please?

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
Will the defendant please stand

15. What do u call a knife in chaville?
Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?
A Nova seats 4

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?
Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?
A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?
None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower?
He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college?
The cleaner.

24. Two chavs jump off Beachy Head, who wins?
Society

Saturday 19th August 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Liverpool 12.45

Tuesday 22nd August 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Tottenham v Sheff Utd 19.45

Saturday 26th August 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Fulham v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 09th September 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Blackburn 15.00

Saturday 16th September 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Reading 15.00

Saturday 23rd September 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Arsenal v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 30th September 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Middlesbro' 17.15

Saturday 14th October 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Man City v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 21st October 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Everton v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 28th October 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Chelsea 12.45

Saturday 04th November 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Newcastle v Sheff Utd 17.15

Saturday 11th November 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Bolton 15.00

Saturday 18th November 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Man Utd 15.00

Saturday 25th November 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
West Ham v Sheff Utd 15.00

Tuesday 28th November 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Watford v Sheff Utd 20.00

Saturday 02nd December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Charlton 15.00

Saturday 09th December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Aston Villa 15.00
Postponed - now being played Mon, Dec 11
Monday 11th December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Aston Villa 20.00

Saturday 16th December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Wigan Athletic v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 23rd December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Portsmouth v Sheff Utd 15.00

Tuesday 26th December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Man City 15.00

Saturday 30th December 2006
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Arsenal 15.00

Monday 01st January 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Middlesbro' v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 13th January 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Portsmouth 15.00

Saturday 20th January 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Reading v Sheff Utd 15.00

Tuesday 30th January 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Fulham 19.45

Saturday 03rd February 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Blackburn v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 10th February 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Tottenham 15.00

Saturday 24th February 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Liverpool v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 03rd March 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Everton 15.00

Saturday 17th March 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Chelsea v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 31st March 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Bolton v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 07th April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Newcastle 15.00

Monday 09th April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Man Utd v Sheff Utd 15.00
Postponed - now being played Tue, Apr 10
Tuesday 10th April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Man Utd v Sheff Utd 20.00

Saturday 14th April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v West Ham 15.00

Saturday 21st April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Charlton v Sheff Utd 15.00

Saturday 28th April 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Watford 15.00

Saturday 05th May 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Aston Villa v Sheff Utd 15.00

Sunday 13th May 2007
Barclays Premiership Bet
Sheff Utd v Wigan Athletic 15.00