Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Now, to be honest, this recipe won’t be correct. We didn’t know what we were doing at the time. We thought 5oz was the equivalent to 1lb thanks to Sascha’s scales but despite this, this was the greatest cake in all of cakey history. Neither Sascha nor I can cook particularly well but this; was a masterpiece...more than the Mona Lisa. Infact, if she could’ve tasted it, she probably would have creamed all over Mr. DaVinci…
..Probably…

Egg Whites
Butter
Chocolate
Baileys
Cornflower
Syrup
Sugar

1. Put all of the butter in the bowl. “All of the butter” is as much as you want. Go on, have a guess. We did. Mix it around a bit to get it all mushy and stuff, or “fluffy” as the book called it.

2. Add the sugar and “fluff” it up a bit more.

3. Whisk up the egg whites and chuck ‘em in as well. Whisky, whisky!

4. Now, boil about 3cm of water in the bottom of a pan. Put a glass bowl over it and the chocolate in the glass bowl to melt. Don’t have the temp. up too high when melting the chocolate otherwise it burns and tastes like crap. I trust you’ve been adding plenty of baileys into the cake mixture all through this, yes? If not, go back and slosh a fair bit of it in. Add some to the chocolate sauce along with some syrup and butter. And hey, if you’ve got some cream, which we didn’t, add that too, as it would make it nice and creamy…

5. Sieve the cornflower into the cake mixture along with a good helping of baileys, and whisk up. Whisky, whisky, sloshy, slosh.

6. Add some of the chocolaty healthy mix you’ve been making into the cake mixture along with……VODKA! Only joking… add some more of the baileys...

7. Whap out a good cake baking tray thing to cook the cake in and grease it up well with some butter. Be generous, we don’t want your cake sticking to the bottom of the tray and you scratching at the bottom of it like a mad man obsessed with the chocolaty awesomeness, trying to get some more burnt baileys cake now do we?

8. Check the cake mixture - does it look like a cake mixture? If not, ours didn’t either so add some more cornflower...more chocolate maybe…or perhaps it requires more alcohol? Who knows… only you can decide!

9. Pour the mixture into the baking thing and stick it into the oven. I cannot tell you how high the oven should be as I work with an AGA in my home, Sascha has one of your run-of-the-mill cookers which are no match for the mighty AGA but this is not important right now. Due the AGA/cooker thing I can’t tell you how long it should be in there either. While it’s cooking however, pour yourself a nice big glass of baileys with ice and go and try to fix a horses electric fence, it’s a dangerous task but if the fence is left with a flat battery, Sascha’s horse, Thunder, will escape onto the grass that’s supposed to be growing! Oh no! it’s very funny trying to do this tipsy, if not a little dangerous. Don’t kill yourself before eating the cake though, if you do you’ll not be let into heaven and you’ll go to hell, not the good hell either.

10. Once the cake looks done, (“Done” = looks like a cake on the outside but is still a bitty gooey on the inside) take it out of the oven and leave to cool completely before pouring on the luuurrrvvally sauce you’ve been adding plenty of baileys to while the cake has been baking. There you have it! How exciting! Check out the cake you've made!

Enjoy, it tastes great but leaves you feeling about 20 stone and pissed.