1. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
2. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
5. A day without sunshine is like night.
6. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
8. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
9. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
10. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.
12. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.
13. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
17. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
18. Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.
19. Half the people you know are below average.
20. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
21. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
22. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
23. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
24. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
25. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
26. I couldn't repair your brake, so I made your horn louder.
27. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.
29. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
30. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
31. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
32. If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.
33. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
34. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
35. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
36. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
37. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
38. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
39. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
40. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
41. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
42. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
43. Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.
44. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
45. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
46. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
47. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard (and not enough chlorine!)
48. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
49. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
50. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
51. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
52. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
53. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
54. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
55. You're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.