50 Claus Lundekvam (Southampton)

Saints boss Gordon Strachan paid this glowing tribute to the one-paced Scandinavian in 2003: “He was carried off at Leicester and someone asked me if he was unconscious. I didn’t have a clue. That’s what he’s always like.”

49 Massimo Taibi (Manchester United)

United’s worst keeper ever – in a competitive field featuring Mark Bosnich. The Italian takes the prize for that dive over a shot from Matt Le Tissier, an all-time You Tube favourite. Watch that ludicrous blunder here.

48 Stephane Guiv’arch (Newcastle)

Milburn, Macdonald, Shearer and ... Guiv’arch! The World Cup winner never came close to that pantheon. Come to that, he’s lagging in Tyneside’s Hall of Centre-Forward Fame (they could call it Striker Grove) behind Cunningham, Mirandinha and Ameobi.

47 Jody Morris (Chelsea, Leeds)

Grew up at Chelsea with Dennis Wise as his mentor, and turned into the snidey kid brother everyone hates. Had all of Wise’s sly tendencies and penchant for a scrape, but none of the skill. Perfect acquisition for Leeds in 2003, then.

46 Nigel Quashie (QPR, Forest, Southampton, WBA and more)

Relegated four times with four clubs – and only narrowly avoided No 5 with West Ham last year.

45 Roque Junior (Leeds)

The execrable Brazilian arrived on loan for a few months from AC Milan in 2003, and did as much as anybody to shove Leeds towards destruction.

44 Sergei Rebrov (Tottenham)

Looked good enough playing alongside Andriy Shevchenko for Dynamo Kiev. Sadly, Glenn Hoddle’s £11m signing never looked the same force with Steffen Iversen.

43 David May (Blackburn, Man United)

The guy picked up Premiership winner’s medals with two clubs. But so did Larry Lloyd.

42 Larry Lloyd (Liverpool, Nottingham Forest)

See David May (No 43)

41 Bosko Balaban (Aston Villa)

They said Deadly Doug was tight, but you can hardly blame him after Ellis fished £6m out of his humbug tin for John Gregory to spend, and the manager came back with the elusive Croatian. He never started a Premiership game and scored no goals.

40 Carlton Palmer (Southampton)

“He covers every blade of grass out there,” said Saints manager, Dave Jones. “But that’s only because his first touch is so crap.”

39 Claudio Marangoni (Sunderland)

The striker swapped the rolling pampas of Argentina for Wearside when he signed for a club-record £320,000 at Christmas 1979. One year and three goals later he went back home. Only Geordies were sorry to see him go.

38 Glenn Keeley (Everton)

Arrived on loan from Blackburn keen to show his mettle at the highest level. On debut in 1982, against Liverpool no less, he was sent off in the first-half, The Reds won 5-0 and he never played for Everton again.

37 Marco Materazzi (Everton)

Yes, he won the World Cup with Italy. But the lean centre-half couldn’t tackle a Sayers’ steak and kidney pie during his pointless spell at Goodison.

36 John Jensen (Arsenal)

Empires rose and fell in the time it took the bubble-permed Dane to score his first Arsenal goal. Searing pace, an eye for goal and a fierce shot were just three qualities he didn’t have.

35 Dean Austin (Tottenham)

The wafer-thin defender earned the wrath of the notoriously fickle Spurs support early doors, and never won them round. Even now, he featured strongly in a straw poll of Tottenhamites’ least favourite player ever to wear the white.

34 Ramon Vega (Tottenham)

The big Swiss was Dean Austin, with (cow) bells on.

33 Alberto Tarantini (Birmingham City)

Jim Smith went down the Spurs road and hired himself an Argentinian World Cup winner in the afterglow of 1978, but the Bald Eagle chose this dud left-back. Blues were relegated.

32 Gary Sprake (Leeds)

The Kop serenaded the hapless Welshman with “Careless Hands” when he threw another one into the back of his own net, hardly a unique moment for the accident-prone Inspector Clousea

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What about Mark.............Ready to go out with Paul and Graham when Mark asks "Where ye goin?" to which I reply "lookin for women" then he gives the best comment known to man "You'll be home early so!"

Paul:"here im hungry,we go to subway?
Graham: "Nah i dont wanna pizza!

"Here, do ya take Lazer?" - Paul Lynch enquired... a very normal question. However, he wa talking to a homeless man begging on the street with a paper cup!

Watching a match up in the GAA pitch and a woman with a wolly hat turns to the water man, shouts and points "Eoin the crows are back"

In the condom section of a chemist, I pointed out to Crazy "look vibrating ones" and he replies "where do ya put that"

Driving me home from a night on the piss, I say to Crazy "Just drop me off at the Clown Walls"

"So theres Nazis in U.C.C" claims Paul Lynch

Dans text message: Here jet a move onwe r all in havanan'r.....................Joe wriesf d fuck r u?

Only 3 buggies allowed in Capri Bay at one time due to Fire Hazards. Had to refuse a woman there earlier she a had a double buggy claiming it was a single!