Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

The many names of me

1. Your name:
Jordan

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first three letters of your name, plus izzle)
Jorizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Green Hawk

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name)
Guest Tironui

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of dad's name)
Jamjophi

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink
Black Wave

7. IRAQI NAME: ((2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 3rd letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you moms middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name))
Omuerde

8. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's and father's middle name)
Marie Guest

9. GOTH NAME: (3rd favorite color, and the name of one your pets)
White Smoodge

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Our store is considering banning your family from ever
shopping with us unless your husband waits for you in the car.


MEMO: surveillance cameras.

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minutes intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO!NO! it's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"