A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12 )The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

13 )Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The top 25 kids books that never got published:

1. You're different-and thats bad
2. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables
3. Robert: Dad's new wife
4. Fun four-letter words to know and share
5. The kids' guide to hitchhiking
6. Kathy was so bad that her mom stopped loving her
7. Curious George and the high-voltage fence
8. All cats go to Hell
9. The little sissy that snitched
10. Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be friends?
11. Thats it, I'm putting you up for adoption
12. Grandpa gets a casket
13. 101 things you can do at the bottom of the pool
14. The magic world inside the abandoned refrigerator
15. Controlling the playground: respect through fear
16. The pop-up book of human anatomy
17. Strangers have the best candy
18. Whining, kicking and crying to get your way
19. You were an accident
20. Things rich kids have, but you never will
21. daddy drinks because you cry
22. Your nightmares are real
23. Where would you like to be buried?
24. You've got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25. Valuable protein and other nutritional benefits of things from your nose