The Infamous Glasgow Rangers
1. If the Glasgow Rangers ever win the Coronation Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
2. If they ever beat their deadliest rivals 7-1 in a major domestic cup final - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
3. If they ever reach the European Cup Semi-Final 4 times - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
4. If they ever win every competition they enter in one season - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
5. If they ever reach the European Cup Final - - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
6. If they ever reach the European Cup Final with eleven home bred Scots - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
7. If they ever reach the European Cup Final twice - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
8. If they ever WIN the European Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
9. Having won 9-in-a-row - it must be a great feeling to know that for the NINTH TIME IN A ROW - you are
And always will be
2nd

Nurses!!

This is so true!

You may be a nurse if..... You believe that every patient needs TLC...
Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system some night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.

You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by
heart.

Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.

When asked by the doctor what colour that patient's diarrhoea was, you
show them your shoes. If they missed your shoes, you use the
well-known "poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken korma
to spinach vindaloo.

You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys,
scissors and clamps in your pocket.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
than they know.

You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when you're
on holiday.

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing and it triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty
because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside down X-rays.

You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from the
hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another
table throws up.

You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before
you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on
you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.

You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to convince the doctor is more difficult"

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker
and to shout if they need help.

Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the
day yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.

You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket
queues.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break
and are not embarrassed when you wake up

You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear that they will drop dead near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for a
tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.

You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and realise
you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...

You pull over in a layby after working nights because you are too tired to
drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've
had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.

Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.

You've seen more penises than any prostitute.

You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest. Soon.

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn"t glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn"t Tarzan have a beard?


7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. What is the speed of darkness?

11. Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

12. If you send someone "Styrofoam", how do you pack it?


13. If the temperature is zero outside today and it"s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15. If it"s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide is it a hostage situation?

18. Can you cry under water?

19. What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20. If money doesn"t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours ?

24. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?