Spiderman

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got radioactive blood.
Can he swing from a thread
Take a look overhead
Hey, there
There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighborhood Spiderman
Wealth and fame
He's ingnored
Action is his reward.

To him, life is a great big bang up
Whenever there's a hang up
You'll find the Spider man.

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A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face
closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,"
she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.
"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message,"
she continued, running her forefinger across
the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender
managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no
toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels
in the ladies room."


Brian came home from the pub late one Friday
evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and
crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian,
"and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!
That can't be, I have so much too live for,
I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated
but there is a catch. We can only send you
back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devested,
but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt
this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said
"So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying
your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have
this strange feeling inside like I'm about
to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster,
"don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under
his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept
over him and his emotions got the better of
him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling
of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing
that had happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to
lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack
on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the
bed"