Been a while seen i done a blog so i thought ide write one, been through alot in the last 103 days since my previous blog and now its time to vent some shit!

Yeah i lost my baby Maxie, tbh it was rock solid, i never thought ide get over it, most nights for about 2 weeks after it i just wanted to be isolated from the rest of the world and allowed to cry. But thats not me, at least not anymore, i carried on in my day to day life, chin up and smiled as much as i could, he was on my mind every time i laughed or felt happy. I felt guilty. Why? Who knows. Do i want him back? No... He was in so much pain towards the end ide never want to see an animal suffer like that ever again, besides ide never want to go through that again, it was like losing a family member.

Ive also been thinking tonight about something that is so plainly obvious when you think about it... When people grow up all around them is anger, lies, deceit, sadness, death, the list is endless. So why when we realise and begin to learn and understand what this all means, do we not do our best to prevent it, i can say i do my very best. Growing up ive been surrounded by drugs, liars, infidelity heck ive been beaten up and robbed off numorous times by someone so close to my heart, someone i never thought capable of such things.
Ive been brough up through relationship breakups, through cheating and gambling. We have all seen numerous times and heard stories about the pain these things cause so why do so many people still lie, cheat, gamble, take drugs, steal and be violent to people were so close to? Why dont people strive to be better and think, ive seen what this can do, i dont want to bring that much pain and suffering to anyone? If i ever genuinely find an answer ill let you know.

As for me and Bezzer all i can genuinely say is i hope we last, i love him to bits and i hope for his own sake he can change, Ill be right by his side whenever he needs me and 100 miles away when he needs me to be, thats the most i can do. 18 months soon and boy has it been one hell of a journey, i hope hes worth it, at least i think he is...

Later dudes
x

The only good my dad has ever brought into my life, i can honestly say is this wonderful doggy. When i was about 4 years old i remember visiting my dad with my brother Mathew and my mum. I remember sitting down and my dad saying ive got a new dog but he hides all the time, i took him from a family that were beating him up, didnt feed him or give him water. We later learnt he had suffered from broken ribs due to this horrible family.

Then out you crawled from nowhere, you looked so scared and timid, my mum, your mum, fell in love with you instantly and had to have you, my dad then gave you to us. I cant really remember much about you from that age, i remember the night my dad brought you round and you just hid from us. You wasnt the bouncing little puppy we soon found out you had locked up inside you, too scared to show it incase it got you into trouble. Although you was far from a sociable dog you were a perfect family pet. You soon grew to be part of the family.
So many happy memories im left with, Max, the mischeif you got upto when we were out, chewing up sponges to get some water, emptying the bin to find a bit of food, i dont think you realised the bowls on the floor were there for you to eat and drink from. Of course it got you into even more trouble, but you werent to know, you went from one lifestyle to another, from what you knew to be right, to being wrong.

I remember me and Mathew teaching you how to play hide and seek, it didnt come without pain though cause when you found us you got that excited you used to nip and it bloody hurt too lol but we always forgave you cause we knew it was an accident. I remember you pulling the christmas tree over to play with the baubles on it. I dont think mum was too happy but i bet it made her laugh really. I remember you eating my advent calendar ide hid under the sofa when i went to school, how you got it out ill never know but where theres a will theres a way, i hope you enjoyed them My advent calendar soon stayed on the wall out of your reach. I remember one day in about 2000 when a dog round the corner was on heat and you disapeared for a good few days, we thought you were never coming back, then one morning you was asleep in the back garden i think. We were all so sad thinking we had lost you, it was a massive relief to get you back. Them poor cats that lived near us too, you never left them alone, i remember one time you ran at a cat and it didnt run away it stood lookin at you and you got about a foot away from it, you realised it wasnt going to run away from you, and you ran in the opposite direction. I remember the first time we got laminate flooring and we threw your toy and you ran for it and skidded into the wall, no matter how many times we threw it you still didnt slow down and always hit the wall, you was so silly. The times me and Mathew used to argue over you to sleep in our room and we always used to have to let you out cause you wouldnt settle if mum wasnt there. The times we had to bath you, you looked like the saddest doggy in the world, although we used to laugh, we did realise you didnt know what was going on, we only wanted to make you smell nice, and you never seemed to fail to escape and shake water all over us, it wasnt so funny then There are so many memories, to me, ive never known life without you, its exactly like losing a family member, only different, people dont seem to understand how much you meant to us.

I am sorry that the decision was taken to end your life, you will be in a much better place now where you are healthy and no longer in any pain, i promise that one day we will be back together, then it will be forever. I hope you have found Grandad and apologized for stealing his spam and brown sauce butties, he used to love taking you with him to guard the pub, no-one dare break in with you there.

One day it will be all of us together forever Max, but until that day ill miss you more than words can say, ill never forget yo

Mummy
What can i possibly say, been through everything together, the good and the damn right shit! Through it all though ive been able to talk to you about everythin, any little thing that bothered me i knew i could count on you to fix it. From broken hearts to our silly little games of sherades at work. You are more like a best friend than a mum and thats why everyone loves you so much. Your the best mum in the world nd i wouldnt change you in any way for anything. Love you!
Bezzer
Had one of the best years of my life with you chicken, been through so much in so little time i feel like we can accomplish anything together. We have had everything possible thrown at us and look at us, stronger than i ever imagined we could be. I dont care what anyone says i want you in my life, my head and my heart, its where you belong. Been a year now so you must be doing something right, love you, and i mean it =]
Chelsey
Geeez where to start, the random conversations at gone 3am would be a start, its so funny the shit we come out with and actually think we make sense, theres only one thing we need kid and thats a fuckin life haha! You also helped me with so much shit when my life has been really bad and i know its what friends are for but girl, your a genius and for that i thank you so much! Ill always be here for you whenever you need me. Love you!!
Sarah
My bitch, well well well. Everythin we have ever done has impacted my life, from the school days of bein little shits, bullyin geeks, you jumping over bins (and fallin in em) to the friendship we have now and all them shit hot memories we have to go with it. Love ya!!
Rach&Tom
What a bloody pair you are too lol. Make me laugh though. For a part of my life you helped me escape reality, wether it was a short drive in the car or random trips to Blackpool you helped me through so much shit you will never begin to imagine. Always knew i could count on yas when i needed you the most but i didnt need to because you always seemed to know when i needed you. Love the pair of ya, even if you argue all the time lol.

Remember :: People will come and go but only special people leave footprints in your heart.