(There was originally supposed to be a second part to this, but we got bored and gave up)

With my interviews for vet school coming up soon, Lauren has kindly told me what NOT to say in response to the questions.

Hammy: “So Lauren, tell me a little bit about yourself”
Lauren: “I like to think of myself as pink, pink is my favourite colour, I own the colour pink. I am also very blonde, being blonde means I have more fun and get more sex, which means I won’t need to have sex with the animals so I should get to be a vet.”

Hammy: “What kind of books do you like to read and why?”
Lauren: “I like to read that one about the caterpillar wot eats all the stuff like cakes and other nice things and then turns into a butterfly cos its about animals. I also like the fun books about the girl whose daddy is a vet and she gets to look after the baby animals and that’s what I want to do.”

Hammy: “Tell me about any experience you’ve had of the sort of work a vet has to do, and what did you like and dislike about it?”
Lauren: “When I was pretending to be a vet with my teddy bear at home and my barbie horse and horsebox set I liked to pretend that I got to give them x-rays and that I got to operate on them and put bandages on their legs. With my RSPCA vet set which Rolf Harris showed on telly, I liked the little dogs that if you put in cold water got a red sore paw then you could put them in a bandage and they would get better. I didn’t like it when my brother used to ask me to play vets on his toy snakes because snakes are ewwy and cos the bandages and plasters don’t stay on them as well!”

Hammy: “If you saw a fellow student cheating, what would you do about it?”
Lauren: “I’ll think I’m a bit screwed cos I’d have been planning to copy off them, and then I’d hiss at them to be more subtle because they're bringing a bad name to cheaters throughout the world.”

Hammy: “In your vet experience what is the most difficult situation you've faced and how did you deal with it?”
Lauren: “The most difficult thing I faced was when I was expected to wash out the kennels on my first day. I mean what do they take me for?! Some sort of cheap labourer! I want to be a vet, not a bloody cleaner! When I become a vet I’ll have cleaners to do that for me so I don’t need the bloody experience do I?! Ugh that pisses me off... how I dealt with it? Well I just put my foot down and refused, they weren’t that happy but I told them that I was going to be a vet and not a cleaner and well… we got on okish I suppose... I still didn’t clean out the kennels... bloody dogs!”

Hammy: “How do you feel about the use of live animals in various kinds of research?”
Lauren: "I’m sure they can be useful but I think humans are more intelligent so are probably better for doing research on."

Hammy: “What would you do if you saw a colleague making a mistake?”
Lauren: “I’d tell them they’re a screw up and fire them and/or laugh a lot.”

Hammy: “Do you have the right not to treat an animal?”
Lauren: “Yes! If it’s skanky I refuse! No clipping toenails – they might hurt me; no treating anything with overgrown hair - you don’t know what you’ll find; anything with teeth; or anything with a rash, spots, blood, anything that looks horrendously out of place.”

Hammy: “How do you deal with stress, how do you relax, who do you turn to if you're stressed?”
Lauren: “Sometimes I deal with stress by raping an unsuspecting grannie at a bus stop with a 15" dildo with the girth of a coke can, other times I go on a rampage, killing all the poplar hawkmoth and lesser white toothed mice I can find, I kill the moths slowly by ripping their wings off slowly in small pieces and the lesser white toothed mice by chopping their legs off with a small axe and listening to their squeals.”

Hammy: “If you simply can't get everything done what do you do?”
Lauren: “That sim

I am, however, not the only incredibly strange one in our group of friends, and therefore I have decided that a blog should also be dedicated to Lauren, the craziest, hyperest and blondest girl I've ever had the pleasure to know.

1) Lauren runs top speed down hill, and breaks her arm as she runs into a tree.
2) Lauren attempts to put a blister plaster on her toe, and writhes about for 10 minutes after shouting "Ahh! It tickles!"
3) Lauren wears a collar.
Hammy: "Ooo Lauren's a doggie!"
Hammy: "Fetch!"
Lauren: "Grrr"
Hammy: "Bad dog!"
4) Thirty minutes into the Silver Duke of Edinburgh assessment, Lauren decides she's had enough, turns around, and starts walking back.
5) Lauren finds a cone in the middle of a field, and proceeds to place it over her head and walk around randomly bumping into things.
6) Lauren falls asleep wrapped around Iain's ankle, and randomly twitchs, squeezing his ankle ever tighter, as she has a nightmare about scary birds.
7) 2nd day of Duke of Edinburgh Silver assessment expedition, Lauren is tied to a pole by Iain to stop her getting in the way whilst the rest of the group pack up, but Lauren appears to enjoy this just a little too much.
Lauren got sugar flicked into her eye, and was administered first aid by seven people, and then still needed even more two hours later. She thought it would make the sugar enter her bloodstream faster.
9) Random dude with blonde hair walks past Lauren and pulls her pony tail.
Lauren: "Oh you didn't!"
Dude *keeps walking* shouts: "Oh I did!"
Zoe: "Omg he so wants a piece of you!!"
Lauren: "What?!?!"
Zoe: "Yeh 'cos he knows he'll get sex from you!"
Lauren: "He won't get sex from me! Me and him will make blonde babies! I want brown babies!!!"
10) Lauren: "What's cat's name?"
Iain: "Lottie"
Lauren: "Hello Cat!"
11) Lauren gets her ring stuck on her finger, eventually removing it, only to put it straight back on again and get it stuck again, and has to go to the nurse to get it taken off.
12) Lauren on the phone to Hammy:
Lauren: "Oh sugar! where's my phone I can't find it!!"
*rummages through bag trying to find phone*
Hammy: "Ummm... Lauren... you're speaking into it..."

As many of my good friends at Dollar will know, I am an incredibly weird guy who does and says the strangest and most random things. Now that we are entering our final year at school, I have decided to dedicate a bebo blog to the many strange, yet funny times we have had over the last 5 years by making a list of "Stupid Hammy Moments". I hope you enjoy laughing at my stupidity, I don't mind - I'm proud of it!

1) Mini-Enterprise in Second Year, Hammy shows off his entrepreneurial skills.
Random Person: "Hello there, can I buy one of your pencils with my incredibly real looking twenty pound note?"
Hammy: "Yes of course, heres your £19.50 change"
2) Fergus, Peter and Iain giggle hysterically.
Hammy: "Shut Up! Shut Up! It's the Queen!"
3) Iain: "Hello Silent Person!"
Hammy *grumbles*: "Don't call me Silent Person"
4) Hammy on girls in the band: "We could always give her a slipknot mask and pretend she's a guy... although the breasts might give it away..."
5) Hammy wakes up hungover at Broome's party to find himself hugging a bottle of beer, wearing a sombrero, having gay written across his forehead and rude drawings on his face and hands, with pink nail varnish on his fingernails and with a rather wet crotch.
6) Iain: "Shut up, gayboy!"
Hammy: "I'm not gay! I'm just big-boned!"
7) Hammy at Broome's party: "I'm not drunk! I'm just pretending!" *stagger*
"I'm wearing spafety secs!","Mr Praser flayed me!" Hammy has a problem with spooning evidently.
9) Hammy: "What's a jumper?!" nuff said...
10) In the tent on Duke of Edinburgh:
Hammy: "Argh! Argh! I have cramp! Arghhhh!"
Rach: "Ahh cramp, oh there we go stretched it out!"
Hammy: "Aaarrrggghhh! Cramp! Help!"
11) Hammy continuously runs into walls during basketball.
Iain: "Hammy has a wall fetish!"
Hammy: "No I don't!"
5 minutes later Iain catches Hammy fondling a plug socket.
Iain: "Hammy what are you doing?!"
Hammy: "Sockets are wall nipples "
12) Hammy randomly in regi one morning: "Theal, Theal, I'm a Theal!"
13) Hammy also has an irrational fear of mops, after Robyn spent hours chasing him around the vets with one.
14) Hammy shows off his manliness with his manly pink rubbish bag attached to his rucksack.
15) Iain: "Chaff, chaff, chaff!" nuff said once again...
16) Hammy is tied to Iain's sofa by Lauren with his tie, where he is subjected to the torture of having "Cat" dig her claws into his crotch, and of having photos taken of him whilst he squirms around trying to avoid Lauren who inevitably ended up managing to draw a smiley face on his flab, now known as "Mr Flab-Face".
17) Iain, pretending to be Hammy talking to the reception lady: "Give Hammy line slips, or Hammy eat desk!"
1 Iain: "Fiona, where do babies come from?"
Hammy: "Your mother!"
19) Iain and Hammy in a tent together on Duke of Edinburgh:
(i)Iain: "Hammy! Hands off my meat!"
(ii) Iain: "Hammy! Spoon me!"
Hammy: "With pleasure"
20) Hammy collapses into an armchair at the bothy on Silver DofE and proceeds to nod off to sleep repeatedly, earning him the nickname, "Hampa".
21) Hammy is a yearly subscriber to the "Naked Eye" magazine.
22) Hammy reads 10 pages of the dictionary every night before bed except on special occasions like Christmas when he treats himself and reads 50 pages.
23) Hammy needed some loving so Lauren and Kate told him to call 0800 5477 69 277.
24) Hammy loves Fall Out Boy and listens to nothing but them all day long.
25) Hammy is subtle and sly, "like a fox!" (Thanks for that Fiona!)
26) Iain steals Hammy's pen.
Hammy attempts to attack Iain to get his pen back.
FJ: "Boys! Can you please do that in a darkened room!"
27) Hammy attempts to steal Lauren's "bampot box" from her after his cup was broken, and ends up wrestling in the river with her, eventually being beaten 13-0 (supposedly).
2 Tam: "Hi, I'm Hammy the Hamster and I'm about 8ft tall and butt ugly!".
29) Hammy decides to give his halo d