1. “And I’m supposed to believe that Reagan was a great leader? This is who he chose as the Secretary of Education…” -Former Education Secretary William Bennett

2. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

3. “The internet is a great way to get on the net.” - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

4. “Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims.” -Henry Jordan, South Carolina board of education (when another board member said the displaying of the Ten Commandments in public schools might offend students of other religions)

5. “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” -Colonel Gerald Wellman

6. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” - Charles De Gaulle, former French President

7. “The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.” - Dwight Eisenhower

8. “A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” - Everett Dirksen, Congressman

9. “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

10. “We’re going to move left and right at the same time.” - Jerry Brown, Governor of California

11. “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”-Joe Theismann, former NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

12. “I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.” - Barry Venison

13. “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.” - Alan Minter, Boxer

14. “Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” - Bill Peterson, football coach

15. “Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” - David Acfield

16. It’s a humbling thing being humble.” - Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett

17. “I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad.” - Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

18. “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.

19. “Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.” - Yogi Berra

20. “Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.” - Pedro Guerrero, major leaguer

21. “The Bible commands that we hate.” -H. A. (Buster) Dobbs

22. “We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” -Ann Coulter

23. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields

24. “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada”. -Britney Spears

25. “Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

26. “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.” -Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles

27. “I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” - Linda Evangelista, Supermodel

28. “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.” - Samuel Goldwyn

29. “Are you going to ask that question with shades on?” - George Bush to blind reporter Peter Wallsten

30. “The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America’s children.” - Nancy Pelosi, on the prospect of Democrats winning back Congress

The final score in ‘The CELLAR CUP Final’, played behind closed doors is;

Michele Mongelli (Italy) 25 years
Josef Fritzl (Austria) 24 years

MATCH REPORT.
Everyone thought Fritzl had it won last year, but police came out of Michele Mongelli’s flat with some fantastic evidence of incest, rape and grooming, enabling Mongelli to snatch the Cellar Cup from the grasp of long time leader and everyone’s favourite daddy, Josef Fritzl.
On hearing he’d lost by just one year, Josef was said to be distraught in his new Austrian cellar with his new bum chums.
He said;
“To think, all that time and effort I put in over the years to find that someone was, and is now cumming up behind me!
When I gave that fantastic evidence in court, I thought the Cellar Cup was mine. But… if only my son had not been ill... if only I’d not been so devoted to my family! But that’s lovable me! Even with the finishing line in sight, I always let my family cum first! Congratulations though to Michele, he must be very very good!”

Both wives of the captains are proud of their husbands and insist that their husbands take all the credit for the enthralling encounters over the years.
Congratulations go to all players involved for holding out so long, in cold, damp and dark conditions.

Lets hope the next final, the "Garden Shed Trophy", which started ‘X’ amount of years ago, in a garden shed near you perhaps, is another ding dong nail biter of a competition. Its not too late to enter!

Teach Yourself Chinese in 10 Minutes

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!
No Bai Dam Ting!!

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.
Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone.
No Pah King

You know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty
Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer.
Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived
Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?