Primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Hearts fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Hearts fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Kelly, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Hearts fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Hearts fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Hibs fan, and proud of it," Kelly replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Kelly, why, please tell, are you a Hibs fan?"
"Because my mum is a Hibs fan, and my dad is an Hibs fan, so I'm a Hibs fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Hibs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Kelly smiled, "Then I'd be a Hearts fan".


Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a jambo. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the jambo...twice!


There's a rumour that hearts have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.


A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the hearts ground.

He made him go back and watch the rest of the match


Q: What do you have when 100 Hearts fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.


Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of hearts fc fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!


Q: How do you kill a hearts fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

Q: What do you call a Hearts fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What have Hearts and a bowl of fruit got in common?
A: They are both found in the middle of the table.

The Edinburgh Fire brigade phones Hearts FC's Chairman in the early hours of Sunday morning....
'We have to inform you that Tynecastle is on fire!'
'The cups man! Save the cups!' cries Hearts Chairman.
'Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.'

Apparently fundamental flaws have been discovered in Tynecastle.
The seats face the pitch

A little boy from Edinburgh had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope.
Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile.

The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said: 'don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Hibernian shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you'.

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Hearts shirt.

The Edinburgh lad is distraught and starts crying.

His Mum says: 'don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Hearts shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you'.

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Hearts shirt.

The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:

'I thought I told you get lost yesterday?'

A distraught woman arrived into the Doctors surgery one day and asked;- " Doctor, Can you get pregnant through anal sex?"

The Doctor replied;- "of course you can, Where do you think Hearts supporters come from?"
3 days ago

A Jew was recently denied membership to the Heart of Midlothian supporters after it was found that he'd been circumsized.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick to support Hearts

Choose Hertz, choose Gorgie, choose not winning the league by 7 minutes, choose Wayne Foster, choose a dafty with long hair greeting at Dens, choose Stevie Fulton.

Choose failing to close down your biggest rivals when they could be bought for a tenner, choose being 'classy' when half of your support is made up of chavs, choose singing songs about the UDA, choose a ten pound bag, choose Stephen Simmons.


Choose Wallace Mercer trying to kid people into believing that your a force when the truth is that you've won next to **** all for 40 years, choose getting a slagging about a game that occurred before most of you were even born but still embarrassing you.


Choose the Clock Inn, choose Dave McPherson, choose Kenny Aird, choose getting humped 6-2 by some Paisley team who everybody can beat and losing the league on goals, choose hiring an open-top bus to sit at the Maybury only for the driver to be in the pub by 4.30.


Choose selling out every home game with loads of empty seats and tickets available on the day; choose Hans Eskillson, choose relegation; choose to not be able to talk about once beating Real Madrid in a friendly match.


Choose Willie Pettigrew, choose taking the bait with a 7-0 haircut, choose The Gorgie Suite, choose Kenny Garland, choose going 32 games unbeaten in a row and getting nothing for it, choose a maroon coffin for a stand, choose Andy Davis.


Choose incessantly believing a shady Russian is not going to sell Tynecastle and shut Hearts down, only to sell all your shares to him as he invests heavily in 'the' team, writes millions of pounds of debt off but still suffers an increased loss and has yet to lay the first brick in the new main stand.


Choose Gary MacKay’s teeth, choose Burberry caps, kiddy-pants and shell-suits, choose flair-doo instead of hair-doo, choose thinking that 'Sweet Molly Malone' is not Irish Hibernia.


Choose Steven Pressley's highly concentrated speech impediment avoidance sessions when interviewed by the media, choose idolising a Hibby, choose Walter Kidd and calling him Zico only to believe he could actually recognise a football.

choose Alex MacDonald managing the only club he couldn't win anything at and still crying about it, choose hiring a manager on the sex register, choose being jealous of an old man who nonchalantly chipped the ball over his head as two of your goons ran past without having any idea where the ball was.

Choose defending your manager and claiming he was the guy who was conned, choose admitting that the term 'yam' totally irritates you, choose never having George Best even consider you.

Choose not getting a safety certificate, choose attacking Celtic fans with kids after the game because the ref 'conned' you, choose a pitch full of pot-holes, choose interviewing 20 household names for Director of Football and awarding the position to the “right man when he comes along”, choose Duff Jimmy instead.

Choose living in slums and raking the buckets for something to eat, choose forever knowing that you will never be the widely accepted best team in the city, choose offshore accounts, choose only one celebrity fan who plays snooker and even he told you to fuck off.

Choose Rebus the “Jambo” waving his Hibs scarf, choose windae-licking scarf twirling and thinking it's a fashion statement.

Choose one of your most celebrated eras being ten years of hatchet men like Pasquale Bruno. Choose Justin Fashanu and a bar of soap in the showers, choose going all the way to Dnipro only to find it a closed city and your playing down the local farmers field.

Choose never having beaten Liverpool, choose a terrible Trio to come second to a Famous Five, choose your best goalie for years captured in print with a rugby ball, choose industrial surroundings for industrial fitba'.

Choose deception and conspiracy by everyone apart from your own owner, choose a primary school fireworks display in broad daylight for about eight weeks;

Lithuanian Rhapsody
(to the tune of bohiemian rhapsody by queen)

Is this the real life?
Is it just fantasy?
Caught in a mad word, no escape to reality.
Open your eyes - realise his lies and see...
Vlad's just a madman, he needs no sympathy

Because there's
Little highs, many lows
Miko comes, Pressley goes!
Anyway the Hearts go, doesn't really matter to him...
To him...

Mad Vlad, just fired someone,
Another manager away, with no compensation pay,
Mad Vlad, has just begun,
And now he's going to throw it all away!
Mad Vlad, ooooooooooh!
Didn't mean to lose control,
And if Gordon's got the flu - can't play tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on...like nothing really matters...

Too late, the time has come,
To meddle once again, put some players on the bench,
"Goodbye everybody, I've got to go!"
Said Webster as he packed his bags and left!
Mad Vlad, ooooooooooh!
The Pub Teams going down,
But at least they've got the time to drown their sorrows!

I see a little silhouetto of a man
It's got strings! It's got strings!
So it must be a puppet...
Valdas Ivanauskas, bringing duds from Kaunas!
Mikoluinas! (Mikoluinas)
Mikoluinas! (Mikoluinas)
Mikoluinas on the wing...

He's just a poor boy nobody loves him
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity!
"Webster's gone, Pressley too, will you let me go?"
No Miko no! We will not let you go! (Let him go!)
No Miko no! We will not let you go! (Let him go!)
No Miko no! We will not let you go! (Let him go!)
Will not let you go! (Let him go!)
Will not let you go! (Let him go!)
No No No No No No No No!

Oh Mikoluinas! (Mikoluinas)
Oh Mikoluinas! (Mikoluinas)
Mikoluinas on the wing!
Romanov has a pub team put aside for me,
For me,
For me!!!!!!!!!!

So you think you can drop them and spit in their eyes?
So you think you can bench them and leave them to cry?
Oh Vladdy! Can't do this to them Vladdy!
They'll just wanna get out!
Just wanna get right out of there!

Nothing really matters,
Though it may be sad...
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters...
...To Vlad.