I have the most amazing news while on holiday i wanted to get a bit of the potuguese culture so i found my self asking the locals to culture me i then found myself in a shoddy little pub up a back alley in Faro. I was then instructed to drop my pants i laughed and proceeded to do so, The man in front of me followed suit! I thot hmmm at least i am bigger than him. I was then forced to lye on my back as was the other man we then had funnels shoved up our ring pieces and we were then bombarded with bare arse farts to the face until one of us puked i won and filled the other mans colon to the rim with my chunky goodness. I now trully feel as tho i am from Portugal! x

With light footed paces the three took off tward cripple pass. Ayachuco had warned the duo of the great wheelchair bastard "Gonad The Great" whom guarded the third bend of the cliftop path on cripple pass. "Be warned you two! For Gonad has neither the time for outlanders or the patience to be toleratin you on his path, you will be needin to fight for this one to run smoothly!" Forever the optimist, Pertwii decided that this would be a sinch but Ayachuco's face told otherwise.

After what seemed like an eternity (the time it takes for Eastenders to start and finish) the trio had to have a rest! “I will not be able to accompany you beyond cripple pass my friends!” Revealed Ayachuco. “How the fuck not!!” demanded Arthur whos legs had now gone from mere sticks to what looked like organic steel rods of amasingness.
Pertwii looked apon his new friend with the sorrow of a raped child but without the blood. “I am forbidden, By an ancient curse apon my kind to never leave this side of the mountains for if anyone of us does venture beyond there we shall all surely die!”
“Waaaaaaaaa” Cried Pertwii in disbelief. “That is not fair, you’re my friend and guide I, We need your help!” Arthur nodded in agreement. “Ah but my friends this is far from the end or the last time that we shall meet, you shall return here after you have learned your purpose! Take this plunger of might and Rubber Ring of weightlessness to help you thru your perils!” With timid hands Pertwii and Arthur accepted the gifts and not a word was uttered for the rest of the trip, as with heavy hearts the three travelers continued onward to Cripple pass.

A tree more old and useless than most dead grandmothers had been uprooted by a decrepit old sign by the road-side when Perwii looked up. His gaze had been fixed apon his feet and the steps he had been taking for the past 5 hours. “This is where I must leave you my comrades.” Sighed Ayachuco. Nothing more that a friends embrace and a look that said “See ya soon buddy all the best” was shared as Pertwii and Arthur climbed up this short cliff bit to save them the time of walking round a corner onto a u bend sort of thing that would have brought them back to where it is that they are now climbing to. “The dust was blowing wildly behind him as Ayachuco took his leave and turned to head home, with one last glance over his shoulder “Till we meet again” and he was gone….but not from sight just on his way into the distance.

Pertwii had point and now was growing weary of all the climbing and the silence that the two had shared since the departure of the friend. “Lets have something to eat and a rest?” Arthur just sighed and collapsed “I thot you’d never ask” They ate bugs and grain their favourite. “You know Pertwii, We don’t even know where we are ment to go after we fight this “Wheelchair bastard” or why we are doing it?!?!” Pertwii thought for a moment then replied “Ayachuco spoke of the Lemming-rolls maybee we should seek them out and find out whats really going on here?” Arthur seemed to agree with this but before he could reply both the buddies heard the quiet whurring sound of and electric motor. “Do you think that’s….” “Yes I do Arthur it’s the dreaded WHEELCHAIR BASTARD!” Arthur stood up but Pertwii ran off “Fucking pussy” cried Arthur who then turned to see the monster approach. It’s shadow came first round the corner looming like a peado over a newborn next came the sqeeks of the wheels they sounded well maintained the sound grew louder and the shadow longer as the abomination rounded the corner into full view but the sun blinded Arthur and the Mountains Guardian appeared only in silouette “Who….Dares….Walk….On….My….Wheel-Way?” buzzed the enquizitive Wheelbobber. “It is I Arthur of the other realm!” spoke the metal legged jelly arsed Peacock. The clouds again doused the suns rays to reveal the monster in all his

The sky was a heavy brown and the purple sun had grown sorry of its time in the air and was well on its way to touch the horizon, a gentle musk was in the air and the only sign of life comming from Arthur was the steady steam of Z's from his slumber. Pertwii had spent this time that Arthur had slept filling Ayachuco in on what they had been through and had in turn heard quite a bit about the new land they had stumbled apon. The name of this un-natural land was Quelamine, and the ancient tribes of lemming-rolls (A species comprised of Half a lemming and Half a toilet roll tube, appearance varying on the luck of the gene separation while in the fetal stages of womb ihabitance.) Who had a prophesy of one who would travel through a sea of time and arived covered in anal sauce. This mysterious "riffter" would have a partner who was to have an ability of all all seeing all knowing, the traveler himself arriving small and round but assending to a stature not unlike that of a were-monk. Pertwii was confused he looked over to his sleeping friend and thought, "His tail plumage does look different and I do feel like it is some-what easier to breath." Could Pertwii and Arthur be the legendary "riffters" as prophesised by the Lemming-rolls?

When Arthur had finally awoke Ayachuco had gone off to find chood "CHOOD?!?!?! Pertwii?....What the fuck is Chood?" Demanded a bewildered Arthur "Ha Arthur, Chood is this worlds equvalent of wood but nothing burns here it melts and then turns into vapour that clings to living breathing organisms skin to keep them warm. How cool is that??" Revealed Pertwii to his smug looking compadre. "I knew that what do you take me for you imbicile a douche? cos i certainly don't feel like a douche." Pertwii only laughed. He had spent the time he had between the departure of Ayachuco and the awaking of Arthur doing gymnastics. He believed that his true instincts were returning to him in this time of crisis but little did he know that he was changing in more ways than he could fathom.

The sun came up Lavender in the mornings and instead of dew sitting on the orange grass there was a glow that seemed to dance over it. On closer inspection this glow turned out to be tiny little faries who were not dancing but fighting as every tree and every hole was a place for these little critters to party and in the moments of first light they are distresed to the point of fighting one another for no other reason than the night is over. (Remind you of anything??) Arthur was first to rise, he watched the faries struggle back to the rubber forest and chuckled to himself. "This place might not be so bad after all." Ayachuco was next to stir "Have the faries gone?" "Yes they have" Answered Arthur whom had to flap out of the way of the massive sex toy like tree thingy guy. "I hate those little bastards. Seriously stay out of their way if they catch a glimpse of you watching them in their state of dissaray you've had it sonshine." Warned Ayachuco "HAHAHAHAHA are you havin a girafe those guys but they look like the tranies from books that were left in the lavies at scoone palace." This comment was followed by a stern look from Ayachuco. "Those little Trannies as you call them on their own might not do you much harm but when they swarm together which they are known to do quite often they pin you down and fart "Fairy Mist" into your eyes so that you cannot see and this is out of mersey. If you are male they change theyre appearance to that of spiky little deamons and fly into your pours and up yer pee hole this I have seen once when I was still leaving my roots." "And if your female?" Blurted out a quivering mess of an Arthur. "If your felmale they asume a phish like body and swim up the females anus and tear their way through to the womb where they feast, they feast apon it all the uterus wall the ovaries everything and sometimes make a hat for their leader out of the cervix." Arthurs eyes were watering but he was holding back a smile.