Ten Disgusting Things Irish Traditional Flute Players Do
By Gavin Burnage

1. Eat crisps immediately before playing, subsequently splattering those nearby with bits of chewed soggy potato.

2. Blow hard down the flute at irregular but frequent intervals so that the accumulated wet gunge goes on people's shoes (or earholes or other orifices, depending on the angle of the flute).

3. While playing, hold the end of the flute over people's pints of beer and cups of tea so the wet gunge drips slowly into the glass or cup as playing progresses. (Best done to other players' drinks, as they don't notice till it's too late.)

4. Between tunes, bounce the end of the flute gently on the knee so that the gunge runs out and leaves a soggy wet patch on their trounsers.

5. Insult fiddle players for playing tunes with notes lower than bottom D or C in (not disgusting unless you're a fiddle player).

6. Insert a peanut at the embouchure of the flute, close all holes, point flute at nearby dog or other pet as available, then blow hard. A successful strike on the dog/pet often depends on the blood/alcohol level of the flute player. Flute players with Low C# and C keys are reccomended to close those keys for that little extra accuracy and a slight but satisfying "zing".

7. As 6, except flute player mimes tune-playing for a few minutes after inserting the peanut. Then the aim can be at, say, a fiddle player doing tunes with too many low notes. After blowing, resume the mime/play position immediately so the fiddle player hasn't a clue where the attack came from. Repeat as necessary.

8. Try to rob drink from bars by pretending flute is the barrel of an antique gun and pointing it at bar staff (seldom succesful).

9. Use cork grease for (CENSORED).

10. Regularly smear flute with rancid oil (preferably oil from a tin of sardines past its use-by date) This also enhances the level of disgustingness achieved under items 2, 3, and 4.

The Flute: truly Irish Traditional Music's most disgusting instrument.

----------------JULY BABY -------------- Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly.good in bed, very passionate. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt & takes long to recover.

Hats are GREAT! As well as keeping your head dry when its raining, they cover up your hair when its too unsightly to be exposed but their biggest advantage is the attention they get. Try wearing a hat out on the raz some night and you'll see what i mean (just make sure you end up bringing the hat home with you!) NOTE: Cheap hats are best to bring on a night out as financial losses are reduced in the event of the hat becoming unobtainable at the end of the night.
Hats are great pulling devices, however they also give the wearer unwanted attention but hell, you have to take the good with the bad. CAUTION: Be prepared to wrestle and do other unlady like things to regain ownership of hat.

I recently bought a few hats seeing as the winter is drawing nearer and I've been wearing them in at work to varying degrees of approval from customers, co-workers and management:

HAT 1: The Black Berret: Big hit with management and the staff in the office, customers and co-workers not impressed with this furry black hat, now they're convinced i'm wacky.

HAT 2: The Off-White Peaked Hat: Tradesmen seemed to like this one, especially builders and plumbers. Possibly because their hard hats will sadly never look as well as this hat. One co-worker seemed to think their was a drop down somewhere as I wouldn't take the hat off all day, the real reason i wouldn't take it off was because I was afraid to touch it with my dirty hands as off white doesn't camoflauge dirt marks. Management and Office staff are wondering about the where-abouts of the berret.....