One sunday afternoon i walked into marguerite collins' kitchen so that i could have a conversation with herself and consume a lovely cup of coffee. As i entered the kitchen i was pleasantly greeted by her lovely parents Mr Thomas Collins and his wife Mrs Lorna Collins. Tom sat at the top of the table,as man of the house he is entitled to. He looked hungry and Lorna quickly picked up on this like always. She turned to him and asked "Tom,would you like something to eat?" and Tom answered " Yes...Yes i would" As marguerite and i observed, Lorna went over to the nearby cabinet and began rummaging to find something for Tom. Lorna asked "would you like a fry?" and Tom sternly answered "NO,no i would not!", again Lorna asked "would you like a steak?" and again Tom answered "No,no i would not." Minutes later Lorna emerged from the press, and there she held in her hand, the one thing that Tom wouldn't refuse. What was it i hear you cry, why noodles of course. "Tom" she said, "Would you have some noodles?" and Tom stood up,his fist in the air, and as he climbed on top of the table he cried "YES!Yes i will have Noodles"

Quotes from Rodge and Podge Show
1) She had a face on her like a well slapped arse

2) My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack

3) He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

4) I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

5) I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

6) (when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

7) She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

9) Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

10) I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust
of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

11) No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

12) I left her with a face like a painters radio

13) A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

14) Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

15) She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

16) Not even the tide would take her out

17) Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her

1 Daz wouldn't shift her

19) Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

20) A sniper wouldn't take her out

21) Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

22) If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

23) She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a
nettle

24) She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

25) She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab

26) If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

27) Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of
her fanny

2 I'm as sick as a small hospital

29) I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

30) Your' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

31) He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

32) He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

33) As funny as a burning orphanage

More Father Ted
Classic Excerpts From Our Favourite Priests
Tentacles of Doom (series 2)
Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop Facks: Uh-huh.

Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop Facks: Yes.

Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Across whole show
[Ted answers the phone.]

Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.

Father Ted: Oh feck!

Bishop Brennan: What?

Father Ted: [in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.

[Ted hangs up.]

Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!

Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!

Father Ted: It might be all right though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.

[Phone rings, Ted picks it up.]

Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

Entertaining Father Stone (series 1)
Father Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?

Father Ted: Oh, yes... what was it called...?

Father Dougal: "Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...

Father Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.

Father Dougal: Yes, Ted?

Father Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

0 Comments 0 minutes ago



Father Ted
Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!

Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?

Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!



Fr. Buzz Cagney: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?