Good evening ladies and gentlemen, for anyone who doesn't know me my first name is Allan and my second name is CanIbuyyouadrink so if you see me at the bar later on tonight please call me by my full name.

Firstly, I would like to say thankyou and give my compliments to everybody for coming and joining the newly married couple in their celebrations and to the bridesmaids, you have done a magnificent job helping the bride today, and you all look amazing, so a big thanks to you too.

Before I really get going let me just say that the formative years I have spent in the company of the groom means that he has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone, so although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Kevin if it's not.

And my second disclaimer is that I was hoping we would do the speeches later on in the night so that you all would've had more to drink and would've found this speech funnier!

I'm told that the best speech makers follow 3 simple rules: stand up, speak up and then very quickly shut up, so I'll try and stick to that advice

As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I'm supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well I'm very sorry to say I can't sing and I definitely won't lie!

I'm slightly bothered by the title of being a best man so I'm just happy to say I'm a pretty good man because today Kevin is the best man! He is a man I've admired for many reasons, most notably his generous nature, especially with him donating his body to medical science by keeping it preserved in alcohol the whole time I've known him!

Now I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex girlfriends the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all of that, because frankly I find such macho male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride, but suffice to say Kevin - number 72, that was your lucky number!

Now I should also grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to reveal to you all Kevin's past misdemeanours but unfortunately I have played a part in most of these incriminating events and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation!

I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Kevin, it will teach him loyalty, self restraint and control and it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he just wouldn't need had he stayed single!

So I'd just like to say to Kevin, you're a lucky groom - you've married Marion who's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband so thank God you married her before she found one!

And now that you're married your level of domesticity needs to greatly improve. You must find where the kitchen is and learn what the various mysterious objects contained within it actually do, gone are the days of hitting speed dial and waiting half an hour for the pizza guy to come. You're going to have to start transferring your food to dishes instead of eating it straight out of the saucepan. And you know that triangle shaped thing - it's called an iron! The more you use it, the more Marion will love you!

But seriously, I believe from the very first moment Kevin and Marion set eyes on each other it was love at first sight and I couldn't think of 2 people who are more suited to each other. Their love for one another is an inspiration to us all so if you could all join me in raising your glasses to Kevin and Marion, to love, to laughter and happily ever after!