1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Put your cap on correctly, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road...' I drive a pick-up because I want to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you.

But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? The M1 goes to London and the A1 goes the same way.

Pick one.

5. So you have a £60,000 car. We're impressed.

We have £250,000 combines and hay balers that are driven for only 1 month a year.

6. So every person in rural Yorkshire waves and says 'Good Morning'. It's called being friendly.

Try to understand the concept.

7. If that mobile phone rings while a flock of ducks or pheasants are

coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't

have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yes, we eat steak and chips, chops and chips, sausage and chips and fish and chips

and we use Brown or Tomato sauce. You really want sushi & caviar?

It's available at the fishing bait shop.

9. The 'First' refers to October 1st or the first day of the pheasant shooting season. It's a religious holiday try to understand.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to ALL women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can

order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & chicken.

12. When we fill out a menu, there are three main types: meats/fish, vegetables,

and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and brown sauce. Oh, yeah....

We don't care what you folks in London call that stuff you eat...

IT AIN'T REAL FISH AND CHIPSI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. The local League and School Football is as important here as the

Arsenal and the Chelsea, and more fun to watch.

15. Yes, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it scares the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn't music, anyway.

We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

17. 2 inches of rain isn't a monsoon - it's a blessing... Drive like you got some sense

in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores.

This isn't theSouth, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants.

The streams and rivers will be down again in a day or so.

18. They are 'Free Range Eggs' which means the chickens roam and eat natural foods. They are not Range Eggs that are FREE!

19. Despite what you think the term 'head' in Yorkshire refers to the froth on top of a real beer.

Try it, you may prefer it to your normal glass of flat, luke warm brown coloured stuff. Please note that the

wierd, slightly dizzy feeling you are likely to experience is normal.

The British Solution to Save Petrol

Brown wants us to cut the amount of petrol we use......

The best way to stop using so much petrol is to deport 3 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 3 million less people using our petrol. The price of petrol would come down....

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Channel....

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Channel, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq ...

Tell him if he wants to come to Britain then he must serve a tour in the military....

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... .

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. .....

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....

Problem solved......

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead