After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies



What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."



What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.



While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

SLAGGY SENGA FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER FAITHER SO.

FAITHER TOLD HER, SENGA DOLLL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YUR MAW DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YUR HALF BRITHER.

SO SENGA PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WULL.
BUT AFTER TELLING FAITHER THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CANNY MARRY WULL, MY DOLL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YUR MITHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MERR
I KNOW IS YUR HALF BRITHER.

BUT MITHER KNEW AND SAID, MY DOLL,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
COS FAITHERS NO YUR PAPPY !!!

Kinda' brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

- Ever time you say your a student nurse, you get asked if you have an uniform

- You know how to say bedpan in five languages

- You can identify at least two types of bodily fluid on your shoes and it doesn't faze you in the least

- You've wished caffeine was available in IV form

- Friends and family won't watch medical-related TV programmes with you because they are tired of hearing what the actors are
doing wrong

- You have been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at
another table throw up

- You notice that you are using more 4 letter words than you did before you started nursing

-when using a restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the taps with your elbows.

-when you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.

-your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.

-men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.

-you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.

-you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.

- Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.

- "Fashionable" shoes & "sexy" white uniforms.

- Interesting aromas.

- Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal

- Your finger has gone places you never thought possible

- You have seen more penises than any prostitute

- You've put someone in restraints and it wasn't a sexual experience

- You have more difficulty dealing with patient's visitors than you do treating the patients