Chris Rock -
“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?”

Will Ferrell
" ... there's no greater weapon in a director's arsenol than a strategically placed song ..."
From 2004 Academy Awards Show (76th Oscars)

"I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN. "

"By the Beard of Zeus!"

"Knights of Columbus, that hurt!"

"By the hammer of Thor!"

"98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives"

[advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services]"Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it! "

"I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat."


Dylan moran -
“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

“Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop”

"I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder."”

“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”

“Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.”

“Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.”

"Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits."

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

"Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him."

"I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!"

"Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite."

On coming face to face with three skinheads: "Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse."

"The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said "Thank you."" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."
~ On the effects of gin

"I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies."

"Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? Cause I’ll tell you. Do you know how he got into that position; he got there by lifting things. Now, you and me, we avoid lifting things. It's unpleasant, especially heavy things. Even a five year old child knows this. He'll go "No haha, fuck it no, I'll go and stick Lego up my arse, I'm not doing that, no no". He took a different approach. He lifted the heavy ... and you know, you lift something if you have to. Piano falls on granny, you lift the piano… ’cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn't do any of that. He went over to the heavy thing, and lifted it, and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere ... an