1 A nice bit of ham.
2 Buttered biscuits.
3 Diggin Holes.
4 Saying its too cold to snow
5 redbull
6 Tayto Cheese & Onion
7 tea
8 A stretch in the evening
9 Lucozade
10 Accordians
11 Pretending to like Holy Week.
12 A dinner dance
13 Gettin clattered in muck.
14 Shania Twain.
15 Hefers
16 Spittin in their hands before doing anything manual
17 Steel toe caps
18 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips.
19 Eating sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA
20 Saying someones 'Opened a Book' on something.
21 The smell of fresh dung.
22 Slice-Your-Own Loaf.
23 Work Clothes
24 A bottle of mineral.
25 Fightin'.
26 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered
27 'The' Hurling/Fitball.
28 Being overweight.
29 Wimen Tha resemble Hefers.
30 Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup of tae.
31 smelling slurry (good for yer lungs u townies)
32 Red diesel
33 The Fear of Change.
34 A nice bit of Barnbrac
35 Lying.
36 Building walls.
37 Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack of food
38 Pretending to like mass
39 Talking about shite like Flax and the Corncrake.
40 A good blackthorn walkin stick.
41 Shouting 'Yeeeeeoooo' when something good happens.
42 Mohammed Ali.
43 Machinery.
44 Strange uppy-downy walks.
45 A good f**kin read of Irelands Own.
46 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead.
47 Scandal, as long as its about other people.
48 Turf, because Sentirl heatin's for wimen.
49 Soda farls
50 Sponge 'n Custirt
51 Newmerica', and anything to do with it.
52 Givin the dog the wildest baytins.
53 Givin the wife the wildest baytins.
54 soil
55 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle.
56 Wrecking the house whilst steaming.
57 Club Orange
58 rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner
59 The Foot & Mouth.
60 Aetin' a big feed of spuds.
61 TK Red Lemonade
62 Good Short hair for boys and nice long hair for the wimen(it confuses them otherwise)
63 mixing cemment
64 going out and partayin
65 oil
66 painting
67 not washing for a month
68 girls
69 wiskey


An Ode to English Rugby


Ye come up here tae paradise, tae beat us at your game,
Aw' wind and piss and full o'shit, yer aw' the bloody same,
Ye caw yersels the champions, the nations most elite,
Scotland are the winners, yuv just been f*ckin' beat.

A game that wis invented, fur English gentlemen,
No Highland Jocks wae tartan frocks, well bliddy think again,
A baw that's shapit like an egg, it's jist a stupit farse,
A suppose it maks it easier, tae ram right up yer arse!

So git back hame an lick yer wounds, yer a bunch o stupit fools,
It's time fur you tae cheat again, change the f*ckin' rules,
Rugby, fitba, cricket tae, yer jist a shower o chancers,
Stick tae whit ye dae best, you morris f*ckin' dancers







u no ur a farmer wen u do dis

You Know Your A Farmer When....
Getting up at 7am is a lie-in

You've run over your own cat in a tractor

When someone says they live on an estate you think of fields and woods rather than a barratts development

You tut at people in tesco buying danish bacon and french bread

You don't sit down to a single hot meal in august

You fall asleep with-in 3 minutes of sitting down in front of the t.v

Your sun tan ends just above the elbow in the summer

You've had a live lamb in your aga

You get more letters from DEFRA than you do from friends and family

You only take the kids to the seaside when it rains

You can't drive along a road anywhere in britain without studying everyone else's crop's and livestock

There is small heaps of grain outside the back door of the house every summer

Drilling does not mean putting holes through interior walls

Dress sense means cutting down on nitrogen applications

Your 4x4 acctually goes off road

You get frustrated by people calling straw "hay"

Your ideal holiday is to visit other peoples farms

Your hands look like they are made with the

This Is Totally Amazing.

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look






"Fit fit, Wid this fit fit in? "..


On thee sony ericsson

Who's the third picture on your phone of?
its a 6620 john deere

What's your ringtone?
muckin o geordies byre

Whos the first person that comes up under M?
mams mobile

Who's the last person you called
canna mine

Who was your last missed call from?
canna mine

Who's the third person who comes up under C?
dinna hae onybdy beginnin we (C)

Who's the third person who comes up under J?
Jordan Green

Who was your last received call from?
canna mine

How many messages are currently in your inbox?
da ken

What is the background?
a claas lexion 570 combine

Who is the fourth message from in your inbox?
ma uncle ally

Who's the first person who comes up under B?

Bob (Echt)

How many bars of signal do you currently have?

4 or 5

What service do you have?
Orange

Name every person you have text messages from inbox?
Bebo,Ally,mam,nathan,grant,

Who is the 5th person under A?
Andy hogg

Who is the ninth person on your missed calls list?
grant morrison

What does your sixth text message in your inbox say?

did u git th twa pics a sent y


Who is the last name in your phonebook?
walter leith



111
HOW TO GET AWAY WITH SPEEDING
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

. Taken a picture naked? NO(:
2. Painted your room?Y wid a dee at
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? Y wid a dee at
4. Drove a car? aye av got ma ane een fur th park
5. Danced in front of your mirror? no
6. Have a crush?
7. Been dumped?
8. Stole money from a friend? no
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? nae really
10. Been in a fist fight? aye
11. Snuck out of your house? aye (:
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them Back? dinna ken
13. Been arrested? no bn warned thoo
14. Made out with a stranger? no
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? da ken
16. Left your house without telling your parents?aye
17. Had a crush on your neighbour? no
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? aye shift stray bales
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? What you mean? no y wid a dee at
20. Seen someone die? no
21. Been on a plane? Ayee
22. Kissed a picture? y wid a kiss a picture
23. Slept in until 3? no
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? no
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? no oor busy
26. Made a snow angel? no
27. Played dress up? no
28. Cheated while playing a game? heaps
29. Been lonely? da ken
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? nae tht a can mine
31. Been to a club? canna mine
32. Felt an earthquake? Eh Nope
33. Touched a snake? aye hid een craallin on am erms
34. Ran a red light? Honae yit
35. Been suspended from school? no
36. Had detention? canna mine
37. Been in a car accident? Kinda. nae that a can mine 38. Hated the way you look? dinna ken
39. Witnessed a crime? aye
40. Pole danced? no
41. Been lost? Yeah
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? no
43. Felt like dying? aye and no
44. Cried yourself to sleep? no
46. Sang karaoke? canna mine
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? aye
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? aye fell oot a barra fan drinkin juice
49. Caught a snowflake on your tounge? canna mine
50. Kissed in the rain? no


! R ! F ! C ! put this
! R ! F ! C !on your bebo
! R ! F ! C !if u
! R ! F ! C !hate
! R ! F ! C !Celtic





100 things bout me

1. NAME: Scott (Wilson)
2. NICKNAMES: wilson
3. BIRTHDAY: 7th August
4. PLACE OF BIRTH: Aberdeen! bit liv in grange
5. ZODIAC SIGN: leo
6. MALE OR FEMALE: male
7. GRADE: 2nd year
8. SCHOOL: keith grammar skool
9. OCCUPATION: Farmer
11.Bebo SCREEN NAME: 6920jd (6920 johndeere)

___YOUR APPEARANCE___

12. HAIR COLOUR: brownie, black
13. HAIR LENGTH: num 2 short
14. EYE COLOUR: blue
15. WEIGHT: da ken
16. HEIGHT: about 5ft
17. BRACES?: no
18. GLASSES?: no
19. PIERCINGS: no
20. TATTOOS: no
21. RIGHTY OR LEFTY: LEFTY

___YOUR 'FIRST'S'___

22. FIRST BEST FRIEND: Walter
23. FIRST AWARD: sheep award fae a mart
24. FIRST SPORT: fitba
25. FIRST PET: dug
27. FIRST CONCERT: canna mine
28. FIRST LOVE: canna mine

___FAVOURITES___

29. MOVIES: heaps
30. TV PROGRAMME: Dukes Hazzard,stillgame nd heaps mare
31. COLOUR: red nd blue
32. RAPPER: eminem
33. Favourite DJ, and singer:maist Djs
34. SONG RIGHT NOW: listen 2 ur heart dj pab
35. FRIENDS: a ma pals
36. SWEET: depends
37. SPORT TO PLAY: pool,darts,fitba
38. RESTAURANT: McDonalds,charlie chans,Jimmy chungs
39. FAVOURITE STORE: Hrn johndeere shop nd BA country store
41. Fav SCHOOL SUBJECT: Teckhy
42. ANIMAL: dog,coos,sheep
43. BOOK: oor wullie
44. MAGAZINE: Profi
45. SHOES: Nike,workin beets

___CURRENTLY___

46. FEELING: da ken
47. SINGLE OR TAKEN: single
48. HAVE A CRUSH?: no
49. EATING: nothin
50. DRINKING: irn bru
51. TYPING: depends
52. ONLINE: duh!
53. LISTENING TO: mixture o stuff
54. THINKING ABOUT: Tractors
55. WANTING TO: drive tractors
56. WATCHING: tractors
57. WEARING: clothes fit else

___YOUR FUTURE___

58. WANT KIDS?: na
59. WANT TO GET MARRIED?: maybe
60. CAREERS IN MIND?: