Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful textures
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action: Cover mouth

Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the table
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up
Action: Punch him

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
Fault: You have been in a fight
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party
Action: See if they have free beer

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted
Fault: The beer is too weak
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song
Fault: Beer is just right
Action: Play air guitar

1 bottle Smirnoff Ice
1 bottle Bacardi Breezer Orange
1 bottle WKD Blue

Get 2 pint glasses, pour one half of Smirnoff Ice into one pint glass and the rest in the other glass, then do the same with the orange breezer, then followed by the Blue WKD. Mix, and the drink should turn green.

Snake Bite Black

1/2 pint lager
1/2 pint cider
2 splashes blackcurrant cordial

Pour 1/2 pint Lager, and 1/2 pint Cider into a Pilsner glass, then add Black Currant until drink is purple in color.

If Ya Like Southern Comfort Here's A Few More Drinks:

Alabama Slamma (Shooter)
7-Up, Southern Comfort

Dog Piss (Cocktail)
Beer, Southern Comfort, Vodka

Dr. Comfort (Cocktail)
Dr Pepper, Southern Comfort

Euthanasia (Cocktail)
Beer, Jack Daniel's Whiskey, Southern Comfort

Ol' Dirty Bastard (Cocktail)
Absolut Vodka, Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, Coca Cola, Southern Comfort

Apple Pie Shots (Shooter)
Apple Juice, Cinnamon, Southern Comfort

Apple Snap (Cocktail)
7-Up, Apple Juice, Peach Schnapps, Southern Comfort

Bearf**ker Or Jumpstarter(for The More Respectable Folks) (Shooter)
Jack Daniel's Whiskey, Southern Comfort

Benny's Bollock Warming Brew (Cocktail)
Brandy, Orange Juice, Southern Comfort, Vodka

Black Ukrainian (Cocktail)
Coca Cola, Southern Comfort, Tia Maria, Vodka

Bootleg (Cocktail)
Jack Daniel's Whiskey, Sambuca, Southern Comfort

Bootlegger (Cocktail)
Jack Daniel's Whiskey, Southern Comfort, Tequila

Classical Rabbit (Shooter)
Goldschlager, Southern Comfort

Cold Coochie (Shooter)
Milk, Southern Comfort

Dark Destroyer (Cocktail)
Lemonade, Malibu Rum, Southern Comfort

Island Comfort (Cocktail)
Lemon Juice, Pepsi Cola, Southern Comfort

Jeff Jarrett (The Chosen One) (Cocktail)
Southern Comfort, Sprite, Vodka

Misplced Mexican (Shooter)
Southern Comfort, Tequila

Quick Bang (Shooter)
Smirnoff Black Vodka, Southern Comfort

Quick Fix (Punch)
Malibu Rum, Orange Juice, Peach Schnapps, Pineapple Juice, Southern Comfort

Redneck Blitzkreig (Cocktail)
Jagermeister, Southern Comfort, Tonic Water

Scarlett O'Hara (Cocktail)
Cranberry Juice, Southern Comfort

Sledgehammer (Shooter)
Jack Daniel's Whiskey, Sambuca, Southern Comfort

Southern Cocoa (Hot Drink)
Hot Chocolate, Southern Comfort, Whipped Cream

Southern Orgy (Shooter)
7-Up, Southern Comfort, Tequila, Vodka

Southern Punch (Punch)
7-Up, Lemonade, Orange Juice, Southern Comfort

Turbo #2 (Shooter)
Cranberry Juice, Peach Schnapps, Southern Comfort, Vodka