• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

• Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

• Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

• Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the key

• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

• Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.

• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

• Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.

• Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

• Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

• Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

• It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

• Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

• Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why theres no life on Mars.

• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer

• Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.