was alone my heart was cold it was a stone,
my soul was lonely like a stone - there was no moss.
And when I danced I danced alone but then I did not dance
because I *was* alone. So I did not dance.
I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples who would mock
me with their merry laughter – “ha-ha-ha”.
The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my
heart nailing at the hatred in my soul.

But then you came,
and my life was turned upside down.
You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen.
Like a snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer.
Or the painting of a dog that wears a deerstalker and
smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily,
but I had previously thought was rubbish.
Or the duck that lands so clumsily on a frozen pond in winter
but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an
anthropomorphic drama where Mr. Duck’s embarrassed and the other ducks are
laughing (quack quack quack quack quack).

AND THEN YOU LEFT!
And I have died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more!
I thought you were an angel - you turned out to be a whore!
And everything has turned to dust! Everything is infected with the plague!
Why did you have to sleep with Craig?
"Oh he's so sensitive, he's got a tattoo."
Yeah, carving your name with a compass in my forehead was not enough for you!

The snow flake on the eye of the deer has turned to
puss that oozes from an open wound.
The deer now blind it stumbles into a ravine.
The duck lies shredded in a pancake,
soaking in the hoisin of your lies.
The dog has moved from the pipe to 60 cigarettes a day,
and coughs away his life in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal.
Of your betrayal...

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise."

"Bill Bailey would like the eggs of numbing inevitability"

"I am Zebedee, Lord of the woods!"

"I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk The Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said was 'Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try.'"

"It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. It's a cautionary tale: in large doses, it can cause genocide."

"Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it."

"This shed does not contain me."

"Il voyage dans le Tardis, le boite de telephone. Fantastique! L'interior est plus grande que l'exterior/ Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superior." (From Dr Qui?)

"Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish."

"There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box."

"I'm a postmodern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could have been four or five. Could have been nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) anyone five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in."

What an idiot."
"I've got a small decorative concrete pig."

"A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that." -
Bewilderness
"Which leads me very nicely to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century?"

[On the increased 'whiny, self-pitying' sound of American rock]
You pick me up from school
Attended all my sporting functions
Bought me a car
Gave me use of a credit card
But how can I feel pain?
How can I feel pain?
How can I feel pain
When you're being so supportive.
"Im Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me."

"But our country's equivilant of gritty reality is more like 'Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!'"

"Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative."

"Who photographs kebabs?"