BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at
court.
Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for
Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . .. Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival
every
year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ....?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Leslie: He makes bread .. ..
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm ... .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . ..
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . ..
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.

MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's c

"The penny has dropped"..dont you me cent..."yeah yeah, the tuppence has dropped."
By the power of greyskull, tundercats are go!!
Is the toilet water drinkable
Tellybabies - Tellytubbies
I only have two pairs of hands
Its like taking money from a baby
The sun was beaming down last Friday night
Speak England to me
Top Corner!!! .....see the way i kept that down!
Woodchester - Westwood
Keep your feet on your shoulders
Joseph's multicoloured swapshop - Joseph's amazing technic coloured dream coat
Inflation's gone up this year
What's that band..the 3divas, no wait..the three pussycats - Destiny's child
I'm gonna do all the chinks and the gooks
I know all the songs to the lyrics
Three stars from the moon - Third rock from the sun
Can we get milk from the coke machine?
If you want a job done right, do it properly
Come on Britland!!
Things to see people to do
Ken when you die I'm gonna come back and haunt you
A leaper never changes his spots
Don't judge a book by its size
Lizzy your not a man, your twenty..your a teenager!
You couldn't wrap yourself out of a wet paper bag!
He's a homophob - Scared to leave the house
Agagraphob - Afraid of fighting
He was hung like a dogs arm - Babies arm
Talk to the face..cause the hand doesn't wanna talk
She was cooking the sock off me
Ellen McCarthy, she's the one that goes sailing 14months of the year isn't she?
Left at home - Home alone
Hofflick manoeuvre - Heimlich manoeuvre
"Im an idinot"..whats that.."it means I'm not an idiot"
I'm discontracted - distracted
My hair smells like hairwash
My feet are on the wrong feet
Its gonna be -0 out tonight
Kill to birds with one feather
Hip-no-toe-sis - Hypnosis
You smell soft - Clean
The prodigal ton re-sons - The prodigal son returns
Dont bite the mouth that feeds you
Your on thin water!
Im part of the wood down here - furniture
Is that new stuff recent??
It's not robot science! - rocket
Freeze brain
That went down like a wet balloon
Steamback mountain - Brokeback
At least i have roof under my head
Did you hear the she-racks pulled outha the liverpool deal
(broken arm) You gonna need crutches for that??
(name a fire hazard) A tin of beans...you ever put one of them in a microwave?
Ah..there having a lovers quiff
who do you think i am.. stretch arm legs?!!
going over to scouterland
you know me, i always follow the won bongin - Band wagin
All the lads went and got brawler's
The moon the balloon and the bear - Bear and the big blue house
The underground is underneath us
A post machine - Post box
Revorice - A recorded voice
I wont spill over crilled milk
I dont feel laughy
Gravity is the mist around the world
Is there an untanning shop around?
Within a shout of a doubt
One from a hundred is nighty two isn't it
I've got a headache in my tummy
When you say an hour how long is an hour..half an hour??
A wind machine - Fan
I've got to tie my fly
What day is pancake Tuesday on?

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a cóndom.
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck’s tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris masterbates with a sledgehammer.
The friction in chuck norris’s jeans after he does a roundhouse kick is the actual cause of global warming
After the cancellation of walker texas ranger, the crime rate in texas went up 200 percent
Cuck norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.
Chuck norris once killed an african elephant with his mind
Chuck Norris walked down the street with a boner… There were no survivors
Chuck Norris Doesn't tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them!
In his free time, Chuck Norris knits sweaters. But when I say “knit”, I mean kick. And when I say “sweaters”, I mean babies.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more tésticles” contest, Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck norris can believe it’s not butter
Chuck norris once had séx with two women, simultaneously.
It was once rumored that Chuck Norris lost a fight to a pirate, but this was a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC for the rights to their TV Show “Law and Order.” He claims that those are the names of his right and left leg.
HIV is really Chuck Norris in bacteria form
The only man to ever outsmart Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking. He got what he deserved.
Chuck Norris is the only survivor of the dinosaurs.
Kevlar armor is actually Chuck Norris’s skin. (he sheds every day)
Chuck norris snorts anthrax
Chuck Norris’s soul has to wounder the earth because the grim reaper is to afraid to come get him.
Chuck Norris demanded live rounds and convicted séx-offenders for every episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris traveled back in time and freed the slaves because he knew he’d need a black partner on his show one day. And by need, i mean do all the bítchwork, because Chuck Norris doesn’t need anybody.
Chuck Norris killed hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.
Chuck Norris shot 50 Cent 9 times but let him live for their upcoming feature film.
No girls ever fúcked Chuck Norris without getting at least 15 stitches.
Chuck Norris has never had his díck sucked, but he’s fúcked a lot of mouths.
Chuck Norris made the pope question his own séxuality.
Great White Sharks have an agreement with Chuck Norris, that if he sticks to the land, they’ll stick to the water.
Who let the dogs out? . . . Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris beat Jesus in a miracle contest.
Every day on his birthday Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to get thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Hunting implies failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Everybody has a skelton or two in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,583.
Chuch norris wished to make a vibrator imitating the size and vibration of his own penis. The final product became a baseball bat tied to a jack hammer.
Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s órgasms.
If you can see Chuck Norris