the letter a ;
are you available?: no
what is your age?: sixteen
what annoys you?: political correctness

the letter b ;
do you live in a big house?: medium
when is your birthday?: 4th feb
who are your best friends?: i dont have best friends. thats well racist.

the letter c ;
what's your favorite candy/chocolate?: im not a big fan of either.
when was the last time you cried?: i dont really know.

the letter d ;
do you daydream?: yes.
what's your favorite breed of dog? medium rare.
what day of the week is it? monday.

the letter e ;
how do you like your eggs?: on your car.
have you ever been in the emergency room?: yes.
whats the easiest thing ever to do?: make fun of rowena.

the letter f ;
have you ever flown in a plane?: yes.
do you use fly swatters?: all the time. on kids.
have you ever used a foghorn?: yes. even when there is NO RISK OF FOG.

the letter g ;
do you chew gum?: yes
are you a giver or a taker?: ask Shaun.
do you like gummy candies?: is that some sort of innuendo?

the letter h ;
how are you?: SPLENDID.
what's your height?: 5 ft 11
what color is your hair?: blonde, pink and purple

the letter i ;
what's your favorite ice cream?: idk.
have you ever ice skated?: yes.

the letter j ;
what's your favorite jellybean?: green. always green.
have you ever heard a really hilarious joke?: yes. many
do you wear jewelry?: rings.

the letter k ;
do you want kids?: yes, over easy.

the letter l ;
are you laid back?: yeah.
are you in love?: totally and completley.

the letter m ;
what's your favorite movie?: trainspotting.
do you still watch disney movies?: DAMN RIGHT.

the letter n ;
do you have a nickname?: well, ive been called alotta things.
what's your favorite number?: 220508
do you prefer night over day?: not especially.

the letter o ;
whats your one wish?: i have lots of wishes.
are you an only child?: nope.
do you wish this was over?: nah.

the letter p ;
what’s one fear you are most paranoid about?: Horses. I FUCKING HATE HORSES.

the letter q ;
are you quick to judge people?: no. im not quick at anything.

the letter r ;
do you think you're always right?: I AM ALWAYS RIGHT.
do you watch reality TV?: no, i'd rather got at my own NIPPLES with a BLOW TORCH.
what’s a good reason to cry?: when the current series of Top Gear finishes.

the letter s ;
do you prefer sun or rain?: sun.
do you like snow?: yes
what's your favorite season?: summer.

the letter t ;
what time is it?: 23.02
what time did you wake up?: 9ish

the letter u ;
are you wearing underwear?: yes, of both genders.

the letter v ;
what’s the worst veggie? the Algerian farting radish.
where do you want to go on vacation?: Margate.
where was your last family vacation to?: My mothers house.

the letter w ;
what's your worst habit?: not paying attention.

the letter x ;
have you ever had an x-ray?: yeah
have you seen the x-games?: yeah
do you own a xylophone?: nah

the letter y ;
do you like the color yellow?: no. it is an abnormal colour favoured by persons who indulge in ROADSIDE DOGGING EXTRAVAGANZAS

the letter z ;
whats your zodiac sign?: aquarius, i dont now what this means.

A few years ago, in the series of events that has now come to be known as
9/11, some disgruntled men hijacked some planes and used them to knock down some buildings in America. As a result of this, I must now remove my s belt and jacket, empty my pockets, have all my stuff rummaged through by some stranger and then be molested by a fat man with a walkie talkie before I am allowed to leave or enter the United Kingdom.

Why? Just incase I intend to blow up a load of fat blokes with laptops on their way to Stansted for a conference about the future of ironing board design, or some very relaxed and very orange sixty-something ladies who are "just dropping into London for the weekend."

Some of you may know that most of my family lives in the south of france, which means that to visit them, I have to leave the country, and I keep getting molested by airport security.

Of course, none of this actually works as by the time they put all this security in place, the baddies were using shoe bombs, and now these have been discovered, I have to get cold feet everytime I want to see Mother.

So, not content with taking most of my clothes off, those pesky fundamentalist chaps invented the liquid explosive. So nowadays I get my deodrant and shampoo confiscated whenever I leave the country. This does not stop bombers, but it does make me a bad representative for Britian because I arrive in other countries all smelly.

This is extremely annoying, but, I do have a solution. When I come to power, to nip this "terrorism" thing in the bud, all British citizens will be required to board flights naked.

All the airlines operating from the UK will be abolished apart from two; British Airways and Ryan Air.

Anyone applying for a passport will send their form direct to me at Number 10, and all the people I deem pretty will be allowed on the British Airways planes which are all, of course First Class and served by the prettiest stewardesses and such, in short it will be like that Lynx advert, but better.

All the ugly people will go on Ryan Air, and sit on wooden seats. The planes will only go to Glasgow and the Nevada desert, and they will be staffed by the regular Ryan Air stewardesses, who all look like they've been hit in the face with a shovel anyway.

Sorted.

D
x

The highway code is a very useful document, but only if you accept that
all other road users are friendly, cheery, obedient, characters. Which they aren't.

So here is a highway code for the real world.

Bus Lanes
Always drive in them, even when there's no real need.

Mobile phones
When a policeman apprehends you for driving whilst using a phone
explain that you cannot talk right now because you're on the phone.


Yellow cars
Never go to bed with someone who has a yellow car. Anyone who has walked into a showroom and, from the vast range of colours, has chosen yellow. Is not normal

Pedestrians
Run them down. Pedestrians must learn that they do not pay road tax
and have no right to be milling around on something that isn't theirs.

Cyclists
Run them down, and to make sure, back up and run them down again.

Trucks
Always give way to a vehicle larger than yours.


Vans.
If you see a van coming. Then there is a high possibility that I will be inside it.
Get out of the way.</b>

A Flash of the headlights.
Confusing this, as it could mean any of three things:
1. "Hello, I am a friend, feel free to pull out in front of me"
2."Get out of your car lets go dogging."
3."FACKING MOOOOVE!"

Indicators
When the car in front is indicating left, beware. If it's a Rover with
a large floppy aerial on the boot, then you are behind a mini cab driver
who is lost. A left-hand indicator could mean that he is going straight on
or right or even that he is not, infact going anywhere at all. What it
definatley means is that he is NOT going left.

Changing Lanes
In towns, when at a multi-lane junction never, ever, ever pull up
behind a Skoda or a Nissan. The driver will be searching for his
long distance glasses when the lights go green. Then he will forget to
put the car in gear before attempting to drive off and nor will he have the strength in
his withered arms to release the handbrake.

The Horn
Much easier. If it's a series of short toots then someone friendly
is trying to attract your attention. You should respond by smiling
and waving in all directions. If its a prolonged burst, someone,
somwhere thinks you're a total wanker. Put your foot down and
get out of there.